You Just Have to Do It

There are certain things in this life that you just have to do or experience.  No one can tell you what it truly feels like.  You just have to go through it.  Like getting married, having your heart broken, or giving birth.   You can never truly know what these experiences are like until you go through them yourself.  And as I've learned recently, watching or having a parent die is one of them.

No one could have ever told me  or prepared me for the flood of emotions that come with watching or having a parent die.  I've been dealing with these emotions as my mother has progressed to the final stages of Alzheimer's since the beginning of this year.  Every crack and fault line in your family dynamic comes to light or is magnified and you'll deal with things long forgotten about or that you thought you were past.  I know for me, sometimes my mind literally feels physically exhausted from trying to reason or work through everything I'm thinking or feeling.  Little things can irritate or upset you on occasion for no logical reason and personally, I'm constantly on-guard to make sure I don't say or do anything impulsive.  And yes, I've slipped up and said or done something impulsive that I've regretted..  You'll also find that you may be too needy or clingy with certain people.  Heaven knows a person or two has experienced that with me.  And you'll question everything about who you are and rethink the person you want to be.

There is also a good and hopeful side to all of this too and I think that if you can focus on that part, you'll make it through the experience of watching and having a parent die.  Dealing with family issues and the inner demons that come with them can help you to resolve past hurts and grow in maturity and strength.  You'll definitely learn a great deal about yourself along the way.  Maybe more than you wanted to know, but as always, knowledge is power.  And only good things can come from knowing yourself better.  You'll learn what really matters in life and where you want your priorities in life to be.  And one of the most wonderful things you'll learn is who your friends and family really are.  They're the ones who listen and sympathize and support you when you need it.  The ones who let you vent and cry and be irrational on occasion.  The ones who understand when you're not yourself and have the patience to wait until you are again.  The ones who don't hold your mistakes or outbursts against you.  Quite simply, the ones who know what you need when you need it and who always remind you they're only a phone call away.  In short, they are the friends who become your family.

Having a parent die is something we'll all go through and no one can prepare you for it or tell you what it's like.  It will be bad, and it will hurt, and for a time you'll long for the day your life was once normal and staid.  And if you look carefully and hopefully, some good can come out of it too.  You just have to do it.

A Different Shade of Me

When 9 1/2 Weeks came out I was too young to see the movie, but I could read the book.  The current equivalent of the stir 9 1/2 Weeks caused in its day is the popular book series,  Fifty Shades of Grey.  And while I understand its titillating appeal after reading some excerpts on Amazon, I've made the decision that I won't be reading it.  And no one is more surprised by that decision than me.

I don't deny that the Fifty Shades series is quite engaging and a rather steamy, appealing read.  And that's just based on the excerpts that I read on Amazon and a couple of other online sources.  In the past, I would have been sucked in and read the books for their titillating story and to show how cool and hip I was for reading them, along with other, less noble, reasons.   But I've made a conscious decision not to read the books, and for me, my reasons are grounded in Faith.

First, the relationship that is the basis of the series begins as a master/submissive relationship.  Anastasia, the lead female character, signs over complete control of her life to Christian, the male lead character.  Every decision in her life, from what to wear to what to eat is controlled by Christian.  And throughout all the books Anastasia constantly worries about whether or not something she's done or has no control over will upset Christian and incite his anger or disapproval.  In essence, Anastasia makes Christian a god in her life, albeit a false god.  The last time I checked the Ten Commandments,  and despite the double entendre of his name, there's only one God, and his name isn't Christian.

Second, Christian treats Anastasia and the "subs" that come before her as objects for his pleasure.  Yes, the relationship between the two lead characters grows to include more aspects to it over time, but there seems to always be a part of it that's about her serving as the object of his pleasure.  And it doesn't take a devout Catholic to know that using another person for your own pleasure- sexual or otherwise- is a sin.  We're asked to treat each other with a much greater respect and dignity than that.

No one is more shocked or surprised than I am that I've chosen not to read these books.   If this was a year ago I would have been all over these books and torn through them like a tween reading the Twilight series for the first time.  But I'm not that person now.  I don't think or believe the same things about about sex, relationships, modesty or chastity that I did a year ago.  So no matter how tempting the books are, and I do understand how tempting they are, I've chosen to live my beliefs and not read them. 

You're Not Alone

Deep inside, the fear that most singles will never admit to openly is the one that tells them they're alone in the world.  The one that tells them no one cares, no one will notice if you don't show up and no one will be there when you need help the most.  I'm happy to believe and proclaim that those fears are unfounded and none of us, no matter what it feels like, are alone in the world.

Someone I know received some really bad health news this week and needed emergency care.  She lives in Dallas on her own and most, if not all, of her family live a few hours away.  The very situation that makes so many of us feel like we're alone in the world.  As I watched her story unfold this week one thing was truly inspiring and comforting.  Watching her friends come to the aid of her and her family and seeing how many people were concerned about her and ready to offer their support.

At Mass last night, the homilist talked about the message of "be not afraid" that shows up again and again in the Bible.  In light of this week's news, it was a message we all needed to hear.  Not just for our friend, but for ourselves too.  As I've seen this week, all those fears of being single and forgotten when we need help the most are unfounded.  We're not alone in the world.  And we need to remember to see that everyday, in good times and in bad.

Sometimes, You Can Go Home Again

Three years ago, the "Catholics Come Home" campaign was started to encourage lapsed Catholics to return to the Church.  There are as many reasons for someone to leave or lapse in their faith as there are reasons to come back.  This is my story.

In my late 20's and early 30's I quit going to Mass regularly for about four or five years.  I had done something very wrong and when I went to confession for it immediately, the priest I went to yelled at me.  I'm not exaggerating.  He scared the daylights out of me and made me feel even worse about what I had done.  From that point on I quit going to Mass regularly because I didn't think I deserved God's grace, forgiveness or love.  I didn't think that I deserved to be at Mass at all.  Sure, I'd show up at Christmas or Easter, but that was it.  Surprisingly, it took an event that caused many people to leave the Church to get me to come back.

I came back to the Church when the Diocese of Dallas was sued in 1998.  I knew someone connected to the suit and their involvement raised some questions for me.  After much thought, I made a decision to come back to the Church and support the Church during this difficult time.  My ultimate reason was this- we ask the Church to be there for us in our time of need so many times; in turn we should be there for the Church in her time of need.  That's what people who love each other do.  So I came back.

It wasn't an immediate, overnight coming home.  I started going to Mass more frequently and after a couple of years I was attending Mass regularly.  I slowly became more active in my parish and in turn, my faith life grew too.  I also went to confession again- the first time in 12 years- to confess the same thing that had led me to leave the Church before.  This time I had a much different experience (thank you Fr. Alphonse) and for the first time felt truly forgiven for what I had done.

I can honestly say that if I had to go back and do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing.  To change any part would be to change the path of Faith that I am on and that's just not right.  Before all this, I was a good Catholic, but it was merely lip service or rote for me.  I did it because I didn't know another way.  The path that I'm on now is different because this time I've chosen to be on this path and make it part of my life instead of just going through the motions.  I'm not saying it's an easy path.  There's as much struggle, slip-ups, questioning and silent moments as there is joy, peace, grace and devotion.

In the end, I've learned that no path is straight or perfect and that every path, no matter how many twists and turns we take on it, has the possibility to lead us home again.


For those of you interested in coming home to the Catholic Church, here's a good place to start.

The Strength of Mary

Last month I had a brief conversation about my confirmation saint with a friend explaining why I picked the one I did.  Since then, I've thought a great deal about the saint I rejected, the Blessed Virgin Mary, instead of the one I picked.  Mainly I've thought about how I rejected the choice of Mary for all the wrong reasons and how my rejection showed just how little I understood about Mary and the amazingly strong woman she was and the strong example of faith that she still is today.

When I was confirmed in 8th grade, I picked Catherine of Siena for my confirmation saint after many weeks of searching for just the right saint.  I picked her because she was smart and she advised Church leaders.  When I found her, she was the first female saint who embodied everything  I thought a strong female should be at that time in my life.  Even after I picked Catherine, the overwhelming choice everyone still kept suggesting to me again and again was the Blessed Virgin Mary.  I wasn't interested in having Mary has my confirmation saint.  At that time I saw Mary as an average  mother and a wife.  Yes, I knew she was Jesus's mother and that was important, but overall, I saw her as nothing special and certainly not a strong female role model- or any type of role model for that matter.  To be honest, I thought Mary was rather boring.  Over 20 years later, I now know how wrong I was in my 13 year-old assessment of Mary.

Mary is one of the strongest examples of faith that we have for one simple reason- she said "yes".  When the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and shared God's plan for her with Mary, she didn't hesitate, she didn't hem and haw or try to bargain with God or the angel.  She simply said "yes" and gave her life to something far greater than herself- God's plan.  Now that I understand so much more the strength of Mary I am absolutely in awe over her answer and her immediate ability to give it.  That is an example of strength that I will probably never be able to achieve in my life.  And one that I greatly underestimated and misunderstood in my youth.

If I had it all to do over again, I'd probably still pick Cathrine of Siena.  We seem to fit so well together for many reasons.  What I would change is that I'd also pick Mary too.  Together they are the yin and the yang of a strong woman of faith for me.  Strong in mind and strong in heart.  Annette Catherine Maria Hunt.  I like the sound of that and all that it implies.

So I Run Like a Girl

As someone who's avoided any kind of physical activity for most of their natural life, completing a 1/2 marathon this weekend was a big deal.  Not just for the physical undertaking involved, but for the unexpected mental accomplishments that came with it too.

When I was little I was told I was too small and too uncoordinated to play sports.  And I believed it.  So began a lifelong avoidance of any physical activity.  I was so good at it that I managed to scheme my way through high school without ever taking a PE class.  I would have made it through college in such a manner too, if possible, but this time I wasn't as crafty in manipulating the system.  So I took a semester of tennis and one of folk dancing to meet my PE credits for graduation.  Don't laugh- I can still dance a mean polka today!

So when I was restless and looking for something to change in my life this year I decided to really break out of my normal, safe place and try running with the goal being to run the White Rock Half-marathon at the end of the year.  I almost gave up before I even started when my first step down this path hit a surprise that threw me off balance.  Instead I chose to keep going, focus on my goal and let the surprise work itself out, which it did.  This wasn't the first obstacle I hit on the way to my goal this year.  I've fought weak ankles, shin splints, and a summer of 100 degree heat that caused me to take a break for a couple of months.  But when fall, and cooler weather, came; I rallied and got back on track to meet my goal.  And on Sunday, 12/4 I completed my goal.  And I must admit, I never expected it to feel this good.

When I ran my first 5k, I gave up the ghost of considering myself unathletic.  And in running the 1/2 yesterday, to be blunt, I kicked the ghost's ass and stomped on its grave.  NEVER again will I believe that I'm not athletic or cut out for sports.  I KNOW otherwise.  Around mile 10 I started get choked up as I realized my goal was going to be a reality and thought about what I had accomplished.  I left several things from the last year on the road yesterday and really understand for the first time why runners do what they do.

Yes, people say we're nuts to run in the rain, in 40 degree weather and love it, but you have to live the experience to understand it.  We run for what we leave behind or face on the road.  We conquer our fears, misconceptions, anxieties and much more.  We accomplish our goals and dreams and take that energy into our daily lives in so many ways.  This is why we run.

In closing, thank you to everyone who supported and encouraged me in the last year- my friends, my coaches and my running classmates.  Thank you to the staff at RunOn!  who taught me so much about running- from picking the right gear to the right form to a good race strategy.  I couldn't have made it yesterday without each and everyone one of you.  Thank you.

What I Learned About Faith from My Dog

Young Desmond has been with me for four years at the end of this month, and during that  time he has taught me several lessons in life and faith.  I thought, in arrogance, when I brought him home I was giving him a better life.  Who knew that he would be a teacher to me on my faith and life journeys?

To understand Desmond as an example of faith, you have to know a little bit about his origins.  Desmond lived the first five or so years of his life in a puppy mill.  For those of you not familiar with such places, they're basically run-down farms for breeding dogs en mass for profit.  Dogs in these places live in terrible conditions, devoid of any human or animal social contact. You can understand why dogs from such facilities may have a hard time adapting to life in a home as someone's pet.  They've been abused, mistreated, deprived of love and affection, have little or no socialization skills and in Desmond's case, are abandoned and let for dead.  Getting them to trust in new and unfamiliar surroundings can be very difficult.

Not with Desmond though.  From the day I brought him home he trusted me. I often joke that when I brought him home he looked around, looked at me and thought "You got this?  Good.  Then I'm gonna go stare out the window or take nap."  To be honest, I'm constantly in awe of the trust Desmond places in me for all of his life needs and humbled by how much I lack the same ability to trust God and others  in a similar and open manner with my life.

Desmond's a pretty patient dog too.  I follow dog pack rules with Desmond, so he gets his food each night after I've eaten. Desmond keeps himself amused or sits quietly nearby and waits each night until I finish my dinner.  Now I'll admit that he knows the cues for when I'm close to finishing my meal and he'll get a little impatient then.  But overall, he sits and waits quietly.  Imagine doing that with God when we're waiting on something in our lives.  Heaven knows I'm not good at sitting and waiting.  Instead I'm like Bart and Lisa in the car on "The Simpsons".  "Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?  Are we there yet?", I'm constantly asking God this when I want something and am  trying to push my timetable on his plan for me.

Desmond's also patient when we cross the streets in our neighborhood.  When we cross a street, if I see a car coming, I'll stop, say "wait", and put my hand out to signal him we're going to stop walking.  When the car passes, I tell him "come on" and make a moving forward gesture with my hand so he knows we're walking again.  While he may not understand why we've stopped, he knows that we can't move right then and just need to wait.  How hard is it for us to wait when God asks us to hold for a little bit?  And do we ever consider that he's asked us to wait so we avoid some danger or bad situation or person?  Maybe the road just isn't clear for us yet. In those times, do we wait patiently like Desmond or do we squirm and get impatient instead?

And, as any dog owner will tell you, dogs remind you to appreciate the little joys in life.  Like the joy of your person coming home at the end of the day, the joy of dinner being served, the joy of eating your favorite treat or playing with your favorite toy.  It's not the big things in life that always matter.  The little mundane, innocuous daily tasks can be greeted with joy and bring joy into your life too.  You just have to see them through eye's like Desmond's.

Can You Sit with Me?

Watch live video from marytown on www.justin.tv

This past weekend I went to Chicago to visit friends and spend some time in a city that I consider to be my second home.  One of the highlights of my trip was visiting Marytown, the National Shrine of Maximillian Kolbe.

The chapel at Marytown has perpetual adoration and it is so popular that they even have a webcam setup for those who can't make it to the chapel but still want to spend a few minutes with the Blessed Sacrament. I was so moved by my short visit there and the enormous feeling of peace that I had upon entering the chapel, that I want to share a little bit of Marytown with each of you.

I hope you'll bookmark this page and the next time you need peace or a few quiet minutes in your day you'll click on this link and spend a few minutes with the Blessed Sacrament via the Marytown webcam.

If you'd like to learn more about Marytown and the National Shrine to Maximillian Kolbe there, please visit them online at the   Marytown web site

For Those Who've Gone Before Us

Recently my book club read "The Bridge of San Luis Rey" by Thornton Wilder.  A story of 5 lives who perished in the same accident and the Franciscan who sought to discern meaning in their passings, it's a short and enjoyable read.  And its closing sentences are perfect for today, All Souls Day.

One of the things I found most touching in the book was at the end of the foreword to the book and the end of the book itself.  When Tony Blair spoke at the memorial service for British victims of the World Trade Center, he chose to read the closing sentences from this little book.  Today, All Souls Day, is the perfect time to share these words again:

But soon we shall die and all memory of those five will have left the earth, and we ourselves shall be loved for a while and forgotten.  But the love will have been enough; all those impulses of love return to the love that made them.  Even memory is not necessary for love.  There is a land of the living and a land of the dead and the bridge is love, the only survival, the only meaning.

Where's the Line?

As I read all the glowing eulogies and commentaries on Steve Jobs last week, one thought kept running through my head.  When is someone going to mention what a flawed person he was?  Did all the cool Apple products overshadow the fact that the guy was known for being a consistent jerk?  And that got me to thinking beyond Steve Jobs.  When do we excuse the behavior of others for one reason or another?  And where's the line for deciding that?

This is one I struggle with constantly.  Nobody's perfect and we all have to accept a certain amount of less than perfect behavior from each other.  So where's the line for accepting bad behavior from others?  And how do we set that line?  As I've admitted in past, I tend to draw the line pretty quickly in the heat of the moment- it's a character flaw that I'm constantly working on.   As I observe, talk to others and think about this more and more, a few things I've considered for influencing that line are as follows:

• Consistency- have I observed the behavior over an extended period of time?  Do others observe or experience the same behavior too?
• Circumstances- is this isolated to a situation or person or is this an across-the-board or long-term problem?  Is the person going through a divorce or other big life change or emotional time and their reaction has caused them to act out of the norm or different from how they would have responded in the past?  None of us are at our best when under emotional or mental stress.
• Personal health or safety- this applies to both mental and physical health.  Is this person abusive, not a good influence or an enabling or unhealthy person for me to be around?
• Timing- is this temporary or permanent?  Do I simply need to be patient with this person?
• If change is needed, is the person willing to change?
• Consequences- what are the consequences of drawing a line?  Am I letting a short term feeling impact a long term outcome?
• Have I considered the other person's side?- so many times we act out of fear to protect ourselves and come off mean, selfish, or unkind in our efforts to put on a brave front and feel safe.
• Is the line we set ours or someone else's?  Are we letting others influence us too much into making the decision that THEY think is right?  Or is someone the Iago in our lives who is pushing us to make a decision that works out better for their interests and not ours?

In the end, I think the lines we set are as different as the people we set them with.  We just need to make sure we think things through when setting those lines and make an informed versus an emotional decision.  Because you never know- the line you set might cost you everything.

When I Have Kids

I've gone to a couple of talks on the new Roman Missal recently, and during each talk I realized something.  When it came to CCD classes, I was taught very little about the Mass or the Catholic faith.  Most of my CCD class experience was in the mid/late 70's and early/mid 80's when the happy, clappy, hippie Jesus, "God Loves You" lessons took over.  After a couple of years of this I started complaining to my mother that we weren't learning anything new in CCD class each year.  Despite my protests, my mother, like a good Catholic mother, kept sending me to CCD class until I wore her down in high school.  As I thought about this and how my early Catholic education was spotty, at best, I started to think about how I would handle things differently with my kids.

Yes,  I know that at this point those of you with kids are snickering internally, or even openly, and thinking, "just wait until you actually have kids of your own".  Bring it on, because honestly, I know that you're right.  The best laid plans go up in smoke with the first kid you have.  Regardless, I declare that as a parent, there are some major points I strongly want to adhere to with my kids.  My list of "when I have kids" is as follows:

• Make sure my kid knows I've got their back. 
• Listen and investigate when my kid complains they're not learning anything.  
• If my kid signs up for a sport, they have to finish the season.  They don't have to play again after the season's over, but they do have to finish the season.   Same thing goes for other activities.
• Dramatic phrases like "it's like you stabbed a knife in my heart" belong in a bad melodrama.  Or a soap opera.
• Teach them a reverence for the Mass, the Catholic faith, the Eucharist and Mary.  Just ask my mother about the Virgin Mary joke I learned in 8th grade. 'Nuff said.
• I will never give them a book to explain the big changes in life or leave them to figure things out on their own.
• Sometimes, spending time with your kids is more important than how clean your house is.
• Encourage their interests.  Unless of course fire is involved. 
• It's ok to cry sometimes.  In fact, it's probably a good thing.
• Heal, nurture, defend, help or support first.  Then have the hard talk.  And always try to hold your anger in check.

And the most important lesson of all- when my kids are adults, it's their life, not mine.  As long as they're not into behavior that will ruin their lives (ie drugs, illegal activities, etc...) I need to step back and let them live their lives for themselves, not me.

For Mari-Rae

I remember a lot from the week Sept 11th, 2001.  My roommate screaming from the living room when the second plane hit.  The WFAA helicopter that buzzed our apartment building immediately afterward and scared us to death.  Walking out into the Blockbuster corporate offices lobby from the stairwell and seeing it filled with over 100 people watching a bank of TVs.  And I remember being in my bathroom that Friday night, getting ready to go out,when my friend Beth called to tell me that Mari-Rae had been on the plane that crashed into the Pentagon.

Mari-Rae and Beth had worked together years before and I knew Mari-Rae through Beth.  Together we were all part of an extended social group, until Mari-Rae left Dallas for law school in Colorado and others went their own ways too.  Mari-Rae was fun to hang out with, but we were never close.  She was extremely outspoken about her views and opinions and at times she could be hard to take.  Even those who loved her dearly, her parents, admitted in interviews after 9/11 that she was stubborn and rubbed people the wrong way at times.  More importantly though, her heart was usually in the right place and you had to admire how the ways she annoyed you made her a champion for the people and ideals that she believed in.  And those she frequently championed were the disenfranchised, the forgotten, the ones who were written off by the rest of the world.

She was on her way to be that champion for the UC-Santa Barbara women's gymnastics team on the morning of 9/11.  The program was in danger of being cut in the next year and she was on her way to California to take over as their head coach and save it.  Mari-Rae left behind a lucrative law career in D.C. for this new adventure and her first love, gymnastics.  Her optimism shows in the subject line of the last email she sent family and friends, "New Job New City New State New Life".

I've always imagined her fighting to the end that morning.  Maybe trying to organize the other passengers or working out a strategy to fight back.  To sit back and accept what was coming or the situation at hand was not the Mari-Rae way.   


So here we are 10 years later and as always happens this time of year, I've been thinking of her again.  I think the best way to honor her memory is in something I wrote a couple of months ago.  Instead of living each day as it was your last, try this instead:


Treat each person you meet today as if it were their last day.


I think Mari-Rae would appreciate that ideal and in many ways, it represents how she lived her own life and her values in turn.  

Eternal rest grant unto her O Lord, and may the Perpetual Light shine upon her.

You are What You Read

"When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does."  In my own life, I know this to be true.  Nancy Drew, Curious George, Cherry Ames-Student Nurse...  The list goes on and on.  I would not be the person I am today without the books that I read growing up.

As an only child, your ways of staying occupied are rather limited.  Especially when there aren't many other kids in your neighborhood to play with.  So I was mainly left with reading and watching TV to keep me entertained while growing up.  And oh, how I loved to read.  I read voraciously, all year long.  In the summer my parents actually limited the number of books I could read so that my eyes had a chance to rest.  You see, from age 7 on I was becoming nearsighted at a frighteningly rapid rate and needed the rest to diminish the decline of my vision.  I still remember the first book I read on my own, "Curious George Leans the Alphabet".  And at school, I devoured anything they gave us to read too.  I stormed through the SRA series at lightening speed and loved getting the Weekly Reader each week.  I was lucky.  I went to a good school with lots of reading resources readily available.  Not everyone else my age was as lucky, either then or now.

There's a school in Oak Cliff with a teacher named Mrs. R.  Mrs. R is trying to raise the money to buy Weekly Reader subscriptions for the kids in her class.  All together, it only costs $230.  She wants them because kids' magazines with short stories, like the Weekly Reader, are a good way to get her kids interested in reading.  And you can help.  All it takes is a donation to help buy the subscriptions.  You don't need to donate the full $230.  Any amount will help.   All you need to do is make a donation here:


http://www.donorschoose.org/donors/proposal.html?id=610253&verify=-1525430339

Thank you making a donation and helping a child discover who they are through reading.

Are Men Bored in Church Today?

Recently I read John Eldredge's book "Wild at Heart" which puts forth the premise that the majority of church worship and activities don't appeal to men.  Eldredge's theory is that churches today offer activities and a view of what it means to be faithful that are more inherent and natural to women than men, and because of this, men find their faith experience lacking and out of touch with who they are as men.

I read this book for a book club, and the discussions it provoked lasted over three days.  I've been in book club for five years now, and no other book has generated this response.  I heard from guys who said the book was passed around their fraternity because it resonated with guys in both their personal and Faith lives.  I heard guys I'd known for years, strong men whom I respect, talk about hearing from an early age "don't do this, don't do that" and feeling like what they did inherently as men was wrong.  Then, when they go to church they feel like they hear a similar message that tells them there is only one way for them to worship or practice their faith.  And it's usually a way that appeals more to women than men.  Look at most church bulletins today and what do you see?  Bible groups, adult Sunday school classes, prayer groups.  A lot of groups for sitting around and talking or sharing.  And we all know how much men just love to sit around and share with each other.  But seriously, where are the activities or groups that appeal to men and how they contribute or express themselves best?  In most churches, they are far and few between.

We need both masculine and feminine expressions of faith in our churches and the world today.  Just as God created man and woman to be complimentary to each other, so their different ways of demonstrating Faith are complimentary to each other too.  Yes, there are guys who are comfortable in expressing their Faith through prayer or meditation and taking part in male faith discussion groups at church.  But many more need something else.  They need volunteer projects or other non-verbal or action-oriented ways to express their Faith.  Think back to the message on Pentecost Sunday.  We each contribute something to the Faith and in our own ways.  So why should a man be encouraged to contribute to the Faith in ways that are familiar and natural to a woman and not to a man?  He shouldn't.  Men should be encouraged to find ways to express their Faith that matches who they are as men.  And men are wild.  They take risk, they fight, they protect, they are warriors.  So we should encourage them to be warriors for Christ instead of telling  them to sit in the corner and pray as if that's the only acceptable way to express their Faith.

* Footnote-  In researching all of this online for the last 2 weeks I came across something that summarizes the premise of "Wild at Heart" and how the majority of men feel about churches today very well.  I'll tell you upfront that I don't agree with some of his ideas on how egalitarian a church should be, but the basic ideas expressed do match with what I've read and heard from men in the last two weeks:

http://www.drurywriting.com/keith/9male.htm

Should I Stay or Should I Go Now?

Yes, this is the title of one of my fav Clash songs, but this post isn't about music.  It's about a specific struggle we all go through in making certain decisions in our personal and professional lives- do we stay, or do we go?

I've watched more friends than I can count in the last couple of years struggle with whether to stay or go in certain situations.  Some are even struggling now, myself included.  And it's never a clear answer as to which is the easiest to do.  If I stay, am I truly making the best decision for that particular situation?  Or do I stay because it's the safe thing to do?  Am I staying for the sake of others but to my own detriment?  Do I stay because while my current situation isn't great, I've become complacent and just don't want to deal with a change or rock the boat in my life?  Or does starting over just seem too hard or daunting?  Between the two, I think staying is the one people choose most often, or at least at first, because it involves the least amount of risk.  After all, if we stay, we have a pretty good idea of what we're getting ourselves into.  The risk of the unknown is usually pretty minimal if we stay.

Going, on the other hand, that's the scary one.  Even when we know deep down inside it's the right thing to do.  That's the jump off the high dive.  The road less traveled.  It's like driving in the fog when you can only see what's right in front of you.  Quite simply, it's the choice that scares the pants off of each and every one of us, whether we want to admit it or not.

If we're lucky though, like Lewis and Clark, we have someone to help guide the way through the frontier for us.  It may be a trusted friend who helps look out for our best interest (and not theirs).  It may be our faith along with the comfort and guidance of God, Jesus, Mary, a Saint or a Spiritual Director who inspires us.  It may be the example of someone else who's tread a similar path and can help show us the way.  Or quite simply someone to cheer us on without being a "yes man" at the same time. 

Whatever you decide, just make sure you think your decision through carefully.  There's nothing worse than leaving hastily or in the heat of the moment.  Trust me on this one.

So, in your own life, should you stay or should you go now?

In the Blink of an Eye

"The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." - Harriett Beecher Stowe

You never realize how quickly death can come and how omnipresent it is until someone you know passes suddenly.  And it gives you pause to think about all the things you would change, the things left unsaid and the actions left undone.  The fences you would mend and and the hurts you would apologize for or try to make amends over.  The petty grievances in your life that are just that, petty and so unnecessary.  Because you realize that the opportunity for all of these things can be gone in an instant.

I understand that you may not be ready or scared to take an action.  Or that it may not be possible for you to contact someone whom you need to offer a healing word to right now.  That's ok, sometimes we have to work ourselves up to these things or circumstances may be beyond our control. So for today, I offer my blog to everyone as a way to say what you need to say.  Whether it's acknowledging someone who has passed and telling them how much they meant to you, a hurt you need to heal or a pledge to take an action. Today, this space belongs to all of you.  Feel free to use the comments section below to say what you need to say.

May God Bless you on your journey.  And for all those who have passed, eternal rest grant unto them O Lord, and may the Perpetual Light shine upon them.

Teacher Envy

Over the last couple of weeks I've watched an interesting phenomenon on FB.  Almost every teacher I know on FB has posted a countdown to the school year at some point.  Seeing those reminds me of the constant private sector/teacher debate over how much time teachers really get off in the summer.  And then it hit me, do we envy teachers their time off or is what we envy more about what the time represents?

Think about when you were in school.  No matter how bad a school year was, you always had next year.  There was always a break to regroup, evaluate and reinvent yourself for the next year.  You always had the hope that things could "be better next year".  And when you spend over 1/4 of your life going to school, it's a hard thought process to break out of in life.  The idea that you need a break to clear your head and plan or hope for something new.

For those of us who chose to go into the private sector, that opportunity is no more.  Unless we take a sabbatical or  "leave of absence" such opportunities to take a step back and re-evaluate don't exist in our lives on a regular basis.  Our hope for something new usually means finding a new job, and those are not easy to find any more.  So we envy those whom we think have such an opportunity.

Now bear with me, I know this next part is a slightly strange analogy.  I've recently seen "Out of Africa" on HBO several times and when I think about the whole "time off envy" I'm reminded of a story Robert Redford's character relays.  He talks about a tribe in Africa that has no concept of the future, they think and live strictly in the present.  Because of that, his character relates, when you put them in prison they die.  They imagine that their life will always be as it is in that moment.  They can't imagine that at some point in the future things will change.  They have no hope.

I think those of us in the private sector are like those African tribesman.  When we look at our jobs, we can't imagine anything different.  We can't see a new beginning or the opportunity to craft that new beginning.  And the only time we remember having that new beginning or opportunity was when we were in school.  So we look at those whose jobs still revolve around the school year and we envy them their time to regroup and hope for something new. Again, it's not the actual days off that we think they have, but what those days represent that we may in fact be envying.

Let the Dater Beware

As if we didn't have enough stress to worry about in dating, we now have to worry about whether or not that cute guy or girl who just winked at us or emailed us even exists at all.  Romance scams and sneaky tricks by dating sites to get us to subscribe are on the rise as online suitors chase our money, not us.

Recently, I had a cute guy wink at me on a dating site.  And I'll be honest, he was really cute- exactly the kind of guy I find physically attractive.  We traded a few emails and from the beginning I was a little suspicious.  He gave up a lot of personal info up front, was far too flattering and convinced that I was "the one" and the grammar and spelling in the email did not match the profile he had written for the dating site.  He also didn't answer my direct questions and when he did, the answers were vague or off.  We traded emails for about a week until I got the one that confirmed my suspicions.  He casually mentioned a 12 year old daughter in France who was coming to live with him.  I knew when I read that that soon the request for money would come.  Some way, some how, he was going to ask for money to help bring her to the States.  I contacted a friend who is a Federal Prosecutor and she directed me to the local FBI field office.  The FBI confirmed my suspicions and advised that I end all contact immediately.  Needless to say, I did.  Four days later I got the "did I do something wrong?" email from him, with another photo- this one so blatantly pulled off a modeling agency web site that I had to laugh.  Since there was no direct request for money and I didn't pay anything, the FBI advised me to file a report on the ic3.org web site to at least report the incident and enter the scammer's info in a DB for future reference.  Overall, I was lucky.  No money changed hands and the only thing the scammer knows about me is that I live in Dallas, my name and where I went to school.  I was very cautious not to give out employment info or my address.  In researching romance scams online, I was amazed to discover the number of people who lost tens of thousands of dollars in such scams and completely ruined their finances.  All from someone who contacted them through a dating website with a fake profile.

Unfortunately, not all fake profiles on dating web sites are from scammers.  Some are posted by the dating website themselves.  One of the largest dating web sites in the country is currently fighting a group of people who want class action status for their lawsuit.  In their suit, they claim that the site creates fictitious profiles and uses them to contact people as potential dates.  Then when the person subscribes so they can email back the potential date who contacted them they discover the profile is gone.  The suit claims to have internal documentation and testimony from former employees supporting that the site regularly engages in this practice to garner subscriber fees.  I wasn't shocked to hear about this practice.  Last year I noticed a flurry of interest and contact activity when my subscription to a Catholic dating site was ending.  I wondered then if the activity was fake and an enticement to get me to subscribe again.  After finding out about this suit, my suspicions about that site and their practices are even greater than before.  Logically, if one site engages in this practice, isn't it possible that it's the industry standard rather than the exception.

So when you're out there in the online dating world, please be careful.  That amazing person who just contacted you may be after not your heart, but your money instead.

Follow the Leader

If you try to talk to women today about being "submissive" in a dating or marriage relationship, be prepared to duck.  Or run quickly.  In this day and age such an idea has become volatile, derided- and in my opposing opinion, greatly misunderstood.

A couple of months ago I was talking with a friend of mine about dating and she shared with me that several of the guys she had been out with in the last few months had told her that they were looking for a Hispanic girl to date because "they're more nurturing and submissive".  Substitute "Hispanic" for "teacher/nurse" and you have a common comment that I and my friends have heard in the dating world for years.  After telling me this, my friend scoffed and said "If they want submissive they're talking to the wrong girl.  The last thing I'd ever be is submissive."  My response was to give her my polite "I'm keeping my mouth shut because I don't want to fight" smile and change the conversation.   Because inside my head I was thinking "you're not listening to what these guys are saying and until you really listen, you'll never get it".

I have to admit, I used to not get "it" either.  But after 18 months of "field research" and reading, I've learned that when most men use this word they're not talking about a cave-man style relationship or having complete domination over the woman they are dating or married to.  Instead, what they are talking about is a woman who is comfortable with them taking the lead from day one, taking the responsibility and being the "man" in the courtship/relationship or marriage.  All they want is to take on the role that their fathers, grandfathers and countless other generations of males have fulfilled in society and families for a couple thousand years now.  They want to lead and protect and they want the woman with them to support and accept them in that role.  That's all.

So what's a girl to do?  First, let the guy take the initiative to call, approach you, talk to you and ask you out.  Then watch how he handles himself and how he treats you and others.  Women are not powerless in this scenario, as is often the argument when discussions like this come up.   Our role in all of this is to choose whether we accept his attention or not and as things get serious, decided if the man is a leader that we want to follow.  Plain and simple.  That's what dating or courtship is for.  Spending time with, evaluating and deciding if the guy you're seeing is a good leader whom you want to lead you and your family one day. 

So there you have it.  My little "op-ed" piece on why you have to look past the word "submissive" and really consider what a guy means when he says that.  If you take an honest look, I think you'll find that what they mean is not bad, negative or "oppressive to women" at all.  After all, who wouldn't want to be with a guy who wants to lead, protect and take responsibility for the well-being of you and your children?  Isn't that the guy most of us are searching for any way?

In Honor Of...

Last Monday, 4/11 Alyssa Little started work with my company.  It was her next big step in building her career after graduating from college in May, 2010.  On Wednesday evening, 4/13 she passed away in a car accident on Central Expressway.  The following day, Thursday 4/14 would have been her birthday.

Sudden passings like this bring to mind so many of the natural thoughts and reactions.  "Live every day like it's your last."  "Live each day to the fullest."  "One day you're here, next day you're gone."  "Life can change in the blink of an eye."  And the list goes on.  What strikes me about all of these is that they focus on the self.

In the midst of Alyssa's passing, I found myself wondering if I had done right by her in the short time I knew her.  Did I make her feel welcome?  Was I friendly enough to her?

So I offer an alternative thought to all those that consume us when we are confronted with the sudden passing of anyone, especially one so young:

Do your best each day to treat others as if today is their last day.


In memory of Alyssa Ann Little....