You Just Have to Do It

There are certain things in this life that you just have to do or experience.  No one can tell you what it truly feels like.  You just have to go through it.  Like getting married, having your heart broken, or giving birth.   You can never truly know what these experiences are like until you go through them yourself.  And as I've learned recently, watching or having a parent die is one of them.

No one could have ever told me  or prepared me for the flood of emotions that come with watching or having a parent die.  I've been dealing with these emotions as my mother has progressed to the final stages of Alzheimer's since the beginning of this year.  Every crack and fault line in your family dynamic comes to light or is magnified and you'll deal with things long forgotten about or that you thought you were past.  I know for me, sometimes my mind literally feels physically exhausted from trying to reason or work through everything I'm thinking or feeling.  Little things can irritate or upset you on occasion for no logical reason and personally, I'm constantly on-guard to make sure I don't say or do anything impulsive.  And yes, I've slipped up and said or done something impulsive that I've regretted..  You'll also find that you may be too needy or clingy with certain people.  Heaven knows a person or two has experienced that with me.  And you'll question everything about who you are and rethink the person you want to be.

There is also a good and hopeful side to all of this too and I think that if you can focus on that part, you'll make it through the experience of watching and having a parent die.  Dealing with family issues and the inner demons that come with them can help you to resolve past hurts and grow in maturity and strength.  You'll definitely learn a great deal about yourself along the way.  Maybe more than you wanted to know, but as always, knowledge is power.  And only good things can come from knowing yourself better.  You'll learn what really matters in life and where you want your priorities in life to be.  And one of the most wonderful things you'll learn is who your friends and family really are.  They're the ones who listen and sympathize and support you when you need it.  The ones who let you vent and cry and be irrational on occasion.  The ones who understand when you're not yourself and have the patience to wait until you are again.  The ones who don't hold your mistakes or outbursts against you.  Quite simply, the ones who know what you need when you need it and who always remind you they're only a phone call away.  In short, they are the friends who become your family.

Having a parent die is something we'll all go through and no one can prepare you for it or tell you what it's like.  It will be bad, and it will hurt, and for a time you'll long for the day your life was once normal and staid.  And if you look carefully and hopefully, some good can come out of it too.  You just have to do it.

A Different Shade of Me

When 9 1/2 Weeks came out I was too young to see the movie, but I could read the book.  The current equivalent of the stir 9 1/2 Weeks caused in its day is the popular book series,  Fifty Shades of Grey.  And while I understand its titillating appeal after reading some excerpts on Amazon, I've made the decision that I won't be reading it.  And no one is more surprised by that decision than me.

I don't deny that the Fifty Shades series is quite engaging and a rather steamy, appealing read.  And that's just based on the excerpts that I read on Amazon and a couple of other online sources.  In the past, I would have been sucked in and read the books for their titillating story and to show how cool and hip I was for reading them, along with other, less noble, reasons.   But I've made a conscious decision not to read the books, and for me, my reasons are grounded in Faith.

First, the relationship that is the basis of the series begins as a master/submissive relationship.  Anastasia, the lead female character, signs over complete control of her life to Christian, the male lead character.  Every decision in her life, from what to wear to what to eat is controlled by Christian.  And throughout all the books Anastasia constantly worries about whether or not something she's done or has no control over will upset Christian and incite his anger or disapproval.  In essence, Anastasia makes Christian a god in her life, albeit a false god.  The last time I checked the Ten Commandments,  and despite the double entendre of his name, there's only one God, and his name isn't Christian.

Second, Christian treats Anastasia and the "subs" that come before her as objects for his pleasure.  Yes, the relationship between the two lead characters grows to include more aspects to it over time, but there seems to always be a part of it that's about her serving as the object of his pleasure.  And it doesn't take a devout Catholic to know that using another person for your own pleasure- sexual or otherwise- is a sin.  We're asked to treat each other with a much greater respect and dignity than that.

No one is more shocked or surprised than I am that I've chosen not to read these books.   If this was a year ago I would have been all over these books and torn through them like a tween reading the Twilight series for the first time.  But I'm not that person now.  I don't think or believe the same things about about sex, relationships, modesty or chastity that I did a year ago.  So no matter how tempting the books are, and I do understand how tempting they are, I've chosen to live my beliefs and not read them. 

You're Not Alone

Deep inside, the fear that most singles will never admit to openly is the one that tells them they're alone in the world.  The one that tells them no one cares, no one will notice if you don't show up and no one will be there when you need help the most.  I'm happy to believe and proclaim that those fears are unfounded and none of us, no matter what it feels like, are alone in the world.

Someone I know received some really bad health news this week and needed emergency care.  She lives in Dallas on her own and most, if not all, of her family live a few hours away.  The very situation that makes so many of us feel like we're alone in the world.  As I watched her story unfold this week one thing was truly inspiring and comforting.  Watching her friends come to the aid of her and her family and seeing how many people were concerned about her and ready to offer their support.

At Mass last night, the homilist talked about the message of "be not afraid" that shows up again and again in the Bible.  In light of this week's news, it was a message we all needed to hear.  Not just for our friend, but for ourselves too.  As I've seen this week, all those fears of being single and forgotten when we need help the most are unfounded.  We're not alone in the world.  And we need to remember to see that everyday, in good times and in bad.

Sometimes, You Can Go Home Again

Three years ago, the "Catholics Come Home" campaign was started to encourage lapsed Catholics to return to the Church.  There are as many reasons for someone to leave or lapse in their faith as there are reasons to come back.  This is my story.

In my late 20's and early 30's I quit going to Mass regularly for about four or five years.  I had done something very wrong and when I went to confession for it immediately, the priest I went to yelled at me.  I'm not exaggerating.  He scared the daylights out of me and made me feel even worse about what I had done.  From that point on I quit going to Mass regularly because I didn't think I deserved God's grace, forgiveness or love.  I didn't think that I deserved to be at Mass at all.  Sure, I'd show up at Christmas or Easter, but that was it.  Surprisingly, it took an event that caused many people to leave the Church to get me to come back.

I came back to the Church when the Diocese of Dallas was sued in 1998.  I knew someone connected to the suit and their involvement raised some questions for me.  After much thought, I made a decision to come back to the Church and support the Church during this difficult time.  My ultimate reason was this- we ask the Church to be there for us in our time of need so many times; in turn we should be there for the Church in her time of need.  That's what people who love each other do.  So I came back.

It wasn't an immediate, overnight coming home.  I started going to Mass more frequently and after a couple of years I was attending Mass regularly.  I slowly became more active in my parish and in turn, my faith life grew too.  I also went to confession again- the first time in 12 years- to confess the same thing that had led me to leave the Church before.  This time I had a much different experience (thank you Fr. Alphonse) and for the first time felt truly forgiven for what I had done.

I can honestly say that if I had to go back and do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing.  To change any part would be to change the path of Faith that I am on and that's just not right.  Before all this, I was a good Catholic, but it was merely lip service or rote for me.  I did it because I didn't know another way.  The path that I'm on now is different because this time I've chosen to be on this path and make it part of my life instead of just going through the motions.  I'm not saying it's an easy path.  There's as much struggle, slip-ups, questioning and silent moments as there is joy, peace, grace and devotion.

In the end, I've learned that no path is straight or perfect and that every path, no matter how many twists and turns we take on it, has the possibility to lead us home again.


For those of you interested in coming home to the Catholic Church, here's a good place to start.