It's no secret that I have a hard time trusting people. And that I tend to be reticent in asking others for help due to that lack of trust. It just never occurred to me until recently that my lack of trust with others could manifest itself in my relationship with God too.
Regardless of your spiritual leanings, beliefs or inclinations, we are all encouraged to believe that we should trust in a higher power to help guide us in our lives. In my own faith, there's a great deal of discussion about "following the path" that we're called to in our lives and trusting in God to take care of us on that path. I KNOW that I should do this. Logically, realistically, and faithfully. But at times I find it incredibly hard to do so as the traits and coping mechanisms that I have in my human relationships come into play in my relationship with God.
My natural inclination when I want something in life is to take care of myself and not rely on anyone to help me. In my mind, it's always up to me to take care of things. The thought of asking for or accepting help or following someone else's lead doesn't even occur to me 90% of the time when I'm faced with something in life. Because somewhere along the way I bought into the lesson that I couldn't count on others and had to do everything myself. So to hear or think that I should "let go and let God" for the major things in my life is a struggle for me.
I'm so sure that in some from or fashion God's going to let me down and in the end I won't be happy with the outcome. Because, as I mentioned earlier, I'm so sure that the people in my life will let me down and prove that I can't count on them and I treat God in this way too. Inevitably, I wait in anticipation for others to disappoint me in my human relationships and struggle with the impulse to lash out or cut them off when they do. And at times I lose that struggle and walk away from things and people too soon. And I can't bring myself to risk that in my relationship with God.
Ironically, I have had times when I knew I was on the right path and trusted God. But these times seemed to come to me without me looking. In those moments, I just knew. When I look for the path is when I struggle with finding or trusting what that path is for me. And the harder I look for it, the more elusive it becomes. I want to trust and I try to trust. Because in my confusion and longing, I need to trust another (i.e. God) and the internal struggle to do that is great.
In conclusion, I don't have a neat, tidy answer or happy ending to this post. When faced with important things and decisions in my life right now I struggle to find my path and listen to what God calls me too. My doubt and lack of trust makes it hard for me to hear and discern. But maybe there is hope, because if I want to trust so badly, there must be some part of me that believes it's possible to do so.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Tales of a Mean Girl Survivor
There's been a lot of talk lately about bullying. In the news, as story lines for TV shows and even in recently released songs. While it's an unpleasant topic, I'm here to tell you, kids can survive bullying and maybe even be stronger for it. I know from personal experience because I'm a mean girl survivor myself.
It's because I was bullied that I learned to think for myself and form my own opinions. With few, if any friends around, I made up my mind about what I liked or didn't like with no outside influences. I also learned to get along with different kinds of people and navigate different social groups since I had no set clique to hang out with. And it's because I was bullied that every one of my dogs has come from a shelter and had some special story or need. It's like I developed an internal radar for when someone or something needed another to be nice to them. I value the friends I have now more than if I'd had friends all my life and always been "part of the group".
Like everything in life, you have the good and the bad combined, and I have to admit that just because I survived, it doesn't mean I'm without a few scars to show for it. When someone's nice to me for no reason, I inevitably wait for the other shoe to drop or try to figure out what they want from me. If someone disappoints me or doesn't meet my expectations, my first impulse is to run or cut them off. When it happens on a personal level, it's about self-preservation and self-protection. I've only recently learned in the last year, and after several years of observation, the value of sticking with someone, working things out and giving them a second chance.
In the end, all things considered, I wouldn't trade or take away my "mean girl" experiences while growing up. They're as much a part of who I am as my hair color (ok, maybe not my hair color) or my eye color. And while some scars are still there, the good I took away from those experiences helps to outweigh, or at least balance out, the bad. Yes, it takes a few or several years to learn from a bullying experience, but it can be done. And in the end, once you learn those lessons, you will be stronger for them. And you will survive.
It's because I was bullied that I learned to think for myself and form my own opinions. With few, if any friends around, I made up my mind about what I liked or didn't like with no outside influences. I also learned to get along with different kinds of people and navigate different social groups since I had no set clique to hang out with. And it's because I was bullied that every one of my dogs has come from a shelter and had some special story or need. It's like I developed an internal radar for when someone or something needed another to be nice to them. I value the friends I have now more than if I'd had friends all my life and always been "part of the group".
Like everything in life, you have the good and the bad combined, and I have to admit that just because I survived, it doesn't mean I'm without a few scars to show for it. When someone's nice to me for no reason, I inevitably wait for the other shoe to drop or try to figure out what they want from me. If someone disappoints me or doesn't meet my expectations, my first impulse is to run or cut them off. When it happens on a personal level, it's about self-preservation and self-protection. I've only recently learned in the last year, and after several years of observation, the value of sticking with someone, working things out and giving them a second chance.
In the end, all things considered, I wouldn't trade or take away my "mean girl" experiences while growing up. They're as much a part of who I am as my hair color (ok, maybe not my hair color) or my eye color. And while some scars are still there, the good I took away from those experiences helps to outweigh, or at least balance out, the bad. Yes, it takes a few or several years to learn from a bullying experience, but it can be done. And in the end, once you learn those lessons, you will be stronger for them. And you will survive.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Little Things Mean a Lot
Two things that happened within 15 minutes of each other this past week got me to thinking- it's not always the big gestures that make an impact on people when it comes to Faith. The small, everyday things in life can speak volumes before we even realize it.
Last Monday morning, I took my car in to be serviced for its 30k check-up. Since I knew I would be waiting a couple of hours, I packed a book, a magazine and my journal to keep me occupied. It's a habit I've had since childhood when I know I'm going to be waiting a while. While the magazine and journal were in my purse, I carried the book in my had. As the service rep was checking me in he asked me about the book. I've been reading "The Saint's Guide to Happiness" recently. I explained that it was partly based on the Beatitudes and that in addition to drawing from the lives of the Saints, the author draws on modern, secular examples to make his points. The rep seemed politely interested and I just assumed he was making friendly, salesman chit-chat. Then I walked out into the waiting area and in a few minutes he came over to me asking for the name of the book's author. That's when I realized he was serious in his interest. When I left the dealership a couple of hours later, I asked him if his wife had been able to find the book on Amazon for her Kindle he replied "no" but that she was still looking for it locally. Now, I doubt this book will change his life or be something earth shattering, but I do honestly believe that in that moment God used me to help someone else out on their Faith journey. And it all came from a simple habit and carrying the book in the open where someone could see it.
Once I sat down and started reading through my magazine, I came upon a short article about Mark Wahlberg and the new movie he has coming out. He plays a boxer in the movie and obviously went through some intense training for it. While discussing his training he talked about getting up at 6am each and day and running the 8 miles to Church and back each morning. I know from past interviews that Wahlberg is a practicing Catholic, and my take on that comment is that he was going to Mass each day. What I liked about his comment was the simplicity of it. No fuss, no preaching, just a simple passing comment that leaves readers with the impressions that he's going to Mass each day. I'd like to think that someone, somewhere may be inspired by that comment and might make their own journey back to the Church based on that simple comment.
So there you have it. Two simple acts woven into two lives that spoke to others. Maybe it's because of all the miracles in the Bible that we think it takes a grand gesture or action to touch people's lives or Faith journey. As I was reminded last Monday morning, that's not the case. In Faith, as in life, little things mean a lot.
Last Monday morning, I took my car in to be serviced for its 30k check-up. Since I knew I would be waiting a couple of hours, I packed a book, a magazine and my journal to keep me occupied. It's a habit I've had since childhood when I know I'm going to be waiting a while. While the magazine and journal were in my purse, I carried the book in my had. As the service rep was checking me in he asked me about the book. I've been reading "The Saint's Guide to Happiness" recently. I explained that it was partly based on the Beatitudes and that in addition to drawing from the lives of the Saints, the author draws on modern, secular examples to make his points. The rep seemed politely interested and I just assumed he was making friendly, salesman chit-chat. Then I walked out into the waiting area and in a few minutes he came over to me asking for the name of the book's author. That's when I realized he was serious in his interest. When I left the dealership a couple of hours later, I asked him if his wife had been able to find the book on Amazon for her Kindle he replied "no" but that she was still looking for it locally. Now, I doubt this book will change his life or be something earth shattering, but I do honestly believe that in that moment God used me to help someone else out on their Faith journey. And it all came from a simple habit and carrying the book in the open where someone could see it.
Once I sat down and started reading through my magazine, I came upon a short article about Mark Wahlberg and the new movie he has coming out. He plays a boxer in the movie and obviously went through some intense training for it. While discussing his training he talked about getting up at 6am each and day and running the 8 miles to Church and back each morning. I know from past interviews that Wahlberg is a practicing Catholic, and my take on that comment is that he was going to Mass each day. What I liked about his comment was the simplicity of it. No fuss, no preaching, just a simple passing comment that leaves readers with the impressions that he's going to Mass each day. I'd like to think that someone, somewhere may be inspired by that comment and might make their own journey back to the Church based on that simple comment.
So there you have it. Two simple acts woven into two lives that spoke to others. Maybe it's because of all the miracles in the Bible that we think it takes a grand gesture or action to touch people's lives or Faith journey. As I was reminded last Monday morning, that's not the case. In Faith, as in life, little things mean a lot.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
It's not Love, It's not Friendship- It's Abuse
Last Sunday I attended a Cowboys game and saw a guy get punched in the eye by his date. I’m still shocked by what I saw, mainly because it happened in public. And since then, abusive relationships have been on my mind quite a bit. I wish I could write that I have no experience or exposure to such relationships, but between my friends and my own limited experience, I do.
First off, I want to address a fact that frequently gets ignored when the subject of abuse comes up. It IS possible for a woman to be an abuser. I saw it firsthand on Sunday and I personally know of two couples in which the girl was the abuser. In both cases the girl inflicted physical abuse on the guy, but what’s more damaging and prevalent is the emotional and mental abuse that women can inflict on their boyfriends or husbands. Just like the mean girls in junior high and high school, female abusers are extremely adept at tearing down their male victims. Many times it’s their “weapon of choice”. And they use the same tactics as male abusers, with more skill and cunning: isolating him from family/friends, keeping tabs on the guy by constantly calling/texting or other means, nagging him to give up activities or groups that he likes or to no longer speak to certain people (usually other girls), convincing him he’s not smart/attractive/good enough to get another girl to go out with him, fighting/arguing in public where she’s sure to get the sympathy and support of others, and the list goes on.
Domestic violence stats consistently show that 40% of victims are men. And those are just the ones that we know about. Men very rarely, if ever, get help in an abusive relationship because they feel it calls into question their very manhood. And when they do report or talk about it, most people assume that the guy did something to cause the woman to treat them like that. So men keep quiet and suffer in silence. What you hear more about, and what I have more experience with, is abuse against women.
At last count I’ve known seven women in my life who were abused. All seven of them were married to or are still married to their abuser. Five were physically abused and for two of them, it took the birth of their first child to convince them to get out. One took 10 years and three attempts before she left her husband for good. I’ve lost touch with the other two abuse victims and don’t know if they’re still married to their abusers.
Three who were physically abused missed the subtle abuse signs while dating. It wasn’t until they were married that the physical abuse started. Abusers are subtle and calculating in how they get control of their victims. Two of the seven were not physically abused when I knew them, but the mental and emotional abuse was definitely there. Their boyfriends convinced them they were fat (both girls were a size 2), unattractive and manipulated them to the point that the girls were dependent on their boyfriends for their self-worth. We all saw what was happening, but being young and inexperienced in dealing with such issues, we did nothing. I like to think that things would be different if I saw the same signs now. And I have some familiarity with the signs because I’ve known an abuser in my own life.
Like the girls I’ve know, the abuse was subtle and barely noticeable in the beginning. I didn’t think anything of it when my friend texted or called me every time I went out with other friends. And while it seemed odd, I blew it off when he asked me every other week or so if I’d spoken to my last boyfriend, who was a mutual friend of ours. When he started trying to tell me what to say in certain situations and who to be friends with, I bristled and started to get annoyed with him. And the annoyance increased when I got daily calls and texts at work until I picked up or responded back. The final straw came when he called a friend one night looking for me because I hadn’t responded to the 2 texts and 2 phone calls he sent me in a 90 minute time period that night. At that moment my immediate thought was “this is one of the red flags they tell you to look for in an abuser”. And as I took a step back and looked closely, I saw the pattern and the other behavior that bordered on abusive. So I distanced myself from him immediately and eventually cut off all communication with him. I wish it had ended there, but it didn't. When he was unable to communicate with me, he took his hostility out on two of my friends. I held my ground and refused to respond. Only when he finally realized that he could no longer get to me did he finally leave me and my friends alone.
It wasn’t easy the first couple of weeks after I removed that person from my life. I missed the attention in an unhealthy way. But noticed that I missed the attention, and not the person. Because whether we like to admit it or not, in an abusive or unhealthy relationship we’re willing to take any attention we get from the other person, whether it’s good or bad. And this is something that’s basic to all humans. We need a connection with others and will tolerate abuse or negative attention because we’d rather have that than nothing at all. And that’s what makes it so hard for a victim to leave. Because to leave is to give up that attention and attachment that we crave in the very core of our beings.
But you can leave, and you WILL be better for it. So if you’re in an abusive relationship, please, please, please reach out and let someone help you to leave. I promise you that someone around you has noticed what’s going on and is concerned for you. Just hold out your hand and take the one offered to you as the way out.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Mad About the Man, Part 2
I recently wrote a post about Don Draper, the character from Mad Men. And one of the comments on that post posed the question of whether or not Don's search is for the truth or something else. Now that the latest season of Mad Men is over, I'm ready to address that question.
In my opinion, Don's search is not about the truth. I think he's trying to find a way to like or accept the version of himself that he's created. All because he wants so much to be anyone but his real self, Dick Whitman. And there's the irony in Don's search. He wants to distance himself so much from Dick Whitman when his only peace will come in accepting that self and its role or part in who he is in life. And Don is willing to go to great lengths to distance himself from Dick Whitman.
Think about the lucrative account he asked Pete to ditch because of the DoD background check that came with it. Had the background check continued Don would have been found out and exposed to the whole world. Worse in his mind though, he would have had to go back to living his life as Dick Whitman. Don feared that outcome so much that he put the finances of the agency in jeopardy by forcing the account out of the agency. An account that would have off-set the loss of Lucky Strike, kept the agency afloat and allowed several employees to keep their jobs.
And then there's Dr. Fay, one of three characters on the show who know who Don really is and what he's done. When Dr. Fay found out Don's secret it was different for him in two ways: 1) he told her about it and 2) she accepted it and supported him. And in accepting Don and his secret, she accepted him as Dick Whitman, something no one else in Don's carefully created world had ever done before. This scared the daylights out of Don and sent him into the arms of his sweet, but naive secretary Megan, whom he now plans to marry.
Perhaps Dr. Fay would have fared better had she stumbled on Don's secret and reacted like Don's ex-wife Betty or account exec Pete. Both rejected Don initially when they found out his secret and Pete even tried to profit from it. For Don, that rejection was natural and almost a rejection of Dick Whitman too. Ironically, both Betty and Pete have now kept and supported Don in his secret and that seems to hold more weight with him than Dr. Fay's acceptance of it.
So now Don is getting re-married and trying to further the "myth" of Don Draper rather than deal with the reality of himself, ie Dick Whitman. He's looking for a self that's there all along, if only he would accept it. It's all an invention of his own mind and the greatest piece of creative he ever sold the world.
In my opinion, Don's search is not about the truth. I think he's trying to find a way to like or accept the version of himself that he's created. All because he wants so much to be anyone but his real self, Dick Whitman. And there's the irony in Don's search. He wants to distance himself so much from Dick Whitman when his only peace will come in accepting that self and its role or part in who he is in life. And Don is willing to go to great lengths to distance himself from Dick Whitman.
Think about the lucrative account he asked Pete to ditch because of the DoD background check that came with it. Had the background check continued Don would have been found out and exposed to the whole world. Worse in his mind though, he would have had to go back to living his life as Dick Whitman. Don feared that outcome so much that he put the finances of the agency in jeopardy by forcing the account out of the agency. An account that would have off-set the loss of Lucky Strike, kept the agency afloat and allowed several employees to keep their jobs.
And then there's Dr. Fay, one of three characters on the show who know who Don really is and what he's done. When Dr. Fay found out Don's secret it was different for him in two ways: 1) he told her about it and 2) she accepted it and supported him. And in accepting Don and his secret, she accepted him as Dick Whitman, something no one else in Don's carefully created world had ever done before. This scared the daylights out of Don and sent him into the arms of his sweet, but naive secretary Megan, whom he now plans to marry.
Perhaps Dr. Fay would have fared better had she stumbled on Don's secret and reacted like Don's ex-wife Betty or account exec Pete. Both rejected Don initially when they found out his secret and Pete even tried to profit from it. For Don, that rejection was natural and almost a rejection of Dick Whitman too. Ironically, both Betty and Pete have now kept and supported Don in his secret and that seems to hold more weight with him than Dr. Fay's acceptance of it.
So now Don is getting re-married and trying to further the "myth" of Don Draper rather than deal with the reality of himself, ie Dick Whitman. He's looking for a self that's there all along, if only he would accept it. It's all an invention of his own mind and the greatest piece of creative he ever sold the world.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Right Where We Left Off
One of the greatest joys in my life is seeing old friends. And for me, the greatest thing about seeing old friends is that immediate way that no matter how much time has passed, we pick right back up where we left off. And I love seeing it with other people and their friends or colleagues too. There's just something magical about people who truly enjoy each other's company and have that special bond.
I'm very blessed to have several friends in my life that no matter how much time has gone past, when we see each other, we pick right back up again. We have our own patterns of conversations, ways of relating to each other and all those old rhythms kick in without missing a beat. Some of these friends I've known for over 10 or 15 years, like Beth and Pete, and some I've know for only a few years. The amount of time we've known each other doesn't matter, just like it doesn't matter how long it's been since we've seen each other. The joy and comfort I have with each of them is still the same and I love it every time I get to experience those friendships in my life.
I also enjoy seeing old friends together and watching how easily they relate to each other and hearing their stories. It's inspiring and heart-warming to see people interact so effortlessly with each other. You can't help but feel joy for them and even get a sense of family from them. One of my favorite places to see this is in the movies. I love directors who use the same actors over and over again or actors who work together as much as possible. Watching people who truly enjoy each other's company makes the movie that much more enjoyable to me. They have a special way of working and relating to each other that strangers just can't do- no matter how skilled an actor they are.
So here's to all the old friends whom I haven't seen in a while. I can't wait to see you again and pick up...right where we left off.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Hero(ine) Takes a Fall
I used to love the Shopaholic books. Big shock, right? I have the full series, down to the latest one, MiniShopaholic. Notice that I wrote used to though. Because I don't love the books any more. Maybe it was the 100+ days without shopping. Maybe it's just about seeing the world differently now. But regardless of the reason, I can't stand the main character, Rebecca Brandon nee Bloomwood now.
For those of you not familiar with the series or the awful movie based on the books, here's the lowdown. Rebecca is a young British woman with a fondness for labels. In each book she seems to get herself in some sort of peril due to her shopping habits or love of drama, and by the end of the book everything is sorted out and everyone's happy again. It's not rocket science, and quite honestly, I need a little "mind candy" every once in a while when I read. I don't expect to unlock the secrets of the universe when I read these books, but it would be nice if the main character had some redeeming qualities. And now, I'm looking for Rebecca's.
How did I miss how vapid, shallow, materialistic and self-involved this girl is in the previous books? And delusional? Why did I once find this charming and funny and entertaining? Right now, in this book alone, she's spent more time worrying about her outfit and the catering for her daughter's "Russian/Japanese fusion" themed christening than what the christening actually means. And she refuses to see that she's raising a spoiled, willful child whose favorite word is "mine". My next biggest pet peeve is how incredibly self-involved she is. Yes, the book is told from her point of view, but come on. She's making friends with her husband's assistant so she can get a gym installed in her house instead of the wine cellar her husband wants to put in. Because heaven forbid, she should use one of the eight bedrooms in the new house for a gym. In case you're wondering about the eight bedrooms, one is for clothes, one is for shoes and one is for make-up. Then one for her and her husband, one for the daughter and one as a guest bedroom. The other two bedrooms? She's actually thinking of having more kids. For what, more little dolls to dress up as extensions of herself?
I do plan to finish the book. I did pay for it after all. But when I'm done, that's it. I'm checked out of this series for good. So much so that I'm thinking of taking all my Shopaholic books to Half Price Books and selling them. There's no place for them in my life anymore.
For those of you not familiar with the series or the awful movie based on the books, here's the lowdown. Rebecca is a young British woman with a fondness for labels. In each book she seems to get herself in some sort of peril due to her shopping habits or love of drama, and by the end of the book everything is sorted out and everyone's happy again. It's not rocket science, and quite honestly, I need a little "mind candy" every once in a while when I read. I don't expect to unlock the secrets of the universe when I read these books, but it would be nice if the main character had some redeeming qualities. And now, I'm looking for Rebecca's.
How did I miss how vapid, shallow, materialistic and self-involved this girl is in the previous books? And delusional? Why did I once find this charming and funny and entertaining? Right now, in this book alone, she's spent more time worrying about her outfit and the catering for her daughter's "Russian/Japanese fusion" themed christening than what the christening actually means. And she refuses to see that she's raising a spoiled, willful child whose favorite word is "mine". My next biggest pet peeve is how incredibly self-involved she is. Yes, the book is told from her point of view, but come on. She's making friends with her husband's assistant so she can get a gym installed in her house instead of the wine cellar her husband wants to put in. Because heaven forbid, she should use one of the eight bedrooms in the new house for a gym. In case you're wondering about the eight bedrooms, one is for clothes, one is for shoes and one is for make-up. Then one for her and her husband, one for the daughter and one as a guest bedroom. The other two bedrooms? She's actually thinking of having more kids. For what, more little dolls to dress up as extensions of herself?
I do plan to finish the book. I did pay for it after all. But when I'm done, that's it. I'm checked out of this series for good. So much so that I'm thinking of taking all my Shopaholic books to Half Price Books and selling them. There's no place for them in my life anymore.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Mad About the Man
AMC's "Mad Men" is populated with a cast of flawed characters. Roger, Pete, Peggy, even "always in control" Joan. Their leader, and the most flawed of all, is Don Draper. And ironically, with all his flaws, Don is the one that capture's viewers imagination the most. So how did one of the most flawed characters on TV become one of most popular?
Consider the idea that we like Don BECAUSE he is flawed. From the outside he looks perfect (ladies, back me up here) and perfectly in control of his world. But inside, it's a different story. And how many of us feel like that every day? That the image we present in public is a front to hide the flaws underneath. It can be comforting at times to see behind the mask and realize that the rest of the world is equally flawed too. And in that moment, we don't feel so alone in our flaws or in the world. We connect with our humanity and the humanity of those around us. And in accepting others in their flaws, we learn to accept ourselves too.
Ironically, Don doesn't seem to accept himself. In more than one episode we've had the opportunity to see his longing to figure himself out and find some sort of peace in the world. Maybe we hope to find a peace in our own lives if we follow Don on his journey or just find solace in walking with Don on his.
Then there's the whole Don Draper/Dick Whitman issue. For the uninitiated, Don isn't really Don Draper. His real name is Dick Whitman. He became Don Draper when the real Don Draper passed away while the two served in the Korean War together. Desperate to escape his poor and undesirable past, Dick re-invented himself as Don Draper. And as Don Draper he manages to pull himself up from very humble beginnings and achieve great professional success and some personal success as a provider for his family. And in America, rising up from humble beginnings is a story that always sells. It gives the rest of us hope in achieving what we want or desire in life too. This aspect of Don always reminds me of a Fitzgerald character gone bad. Guy of poor or modest means makes his way in the world and rises above the means or manner into which he was born. Just in a Fitzgerald novel his heroes usually rise by education or hard work, not by escaping their pasts and assuming another identity.
To wrap up, I think it's Don's flaws, his search for personal peace and acceptance and how far he's come in the world that make him so popular. In liking Don we learn to like or accept ourselves, faults and all, we hope to learn from his own journey for inner peace and we learn that we can achieve so much more than what we come into the world with or as.
Consider the idea that we like Don BECAUSE he is flawed. From the outside he looks perfect (ladies, back me up here) and perfectly in control of his world. But inside, it's a different story. And how many of us feel like that every day? That the image we present in public is a front to hide the flaws underneath. It can be comforting at times to see behind the mask and realize that the rest of the world is equally flawed too. And in that moment, we don't feel so alone in our flaws or in the world. We connect with our humanity and the humanity of those around us. And in accepting others in their flaws, we learn to accept ourselves too.
Ironically, Don doesn't seem to accept himself. In more than one episode we've had the opportunity to see his longing to figure himself out and find some sort of peace in the world. Maybe we hope to find a peace in our own lives if we follow Don on his journey or just find solace in walking with Don on his.
Then there's the whole Don Draper/Dick Whitman issue. For the uninitiated, Don isn't really Don Draper. His real name is Dick Whitman. He became Don Draper when the real Don Draper passed away while the two served in the Korean War together. Desperate to escape his poor and undesirable past, Dick re-invented himself as Don Draper. And as Don Draper he manages to pull himself up from very humble beginnings and achieve great professional success and some personal success as a provider for his family. And in America, rising up from humble beginnings is a story that always sells. It gives the rest of us hope in achieving what we want or desire in life too. This aspect of Don always reminds me of a Fitzgerald character gone bad. Guy of poor or modest means makes his way in the world and rises above the means or manner into which he was born. Just in a Fitzgerald novel his heroes usually rise by education or hard work, not by escaping their pasts and assuming another identity.
To wrap up, I think it's Don's flaws, his search for personal peace and acceptance and how far he's come in the world that make him so popular. In liking Don we learn to like or accept ourselves, faults and all, we hope to learn from his own journey for inner peace and we learn that we can achieve so much more than what we come into the world with or as.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, Part 2
"I've been tryin' to get down/To the heart of the matter/But my will gets weak/And my thoughts seem to scatter/But I think it's about...forgiveness" lyrics from The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley
So last week I wrote about asking for forgiveness and forgiving others. This week I'm wrapping things up with a few musings on accepting forgiveness and forgiving ourselves.
You might think that accepting forgiveness is easy. I say "I'm sorry" to someone, they say "Apology accepted" or something similar- how hard can that be? But what if we don't ask for forgiveness? What if we don't think we did anything wrong but someone has chosen to forgive us for something we did? Accept it graciously and move on. When someone tells us they've forgiven us for something, what they're also telling us is "You did something that hurt me.". We might not think of the thing as hurtful or wrong, but the person on the receiving end did. So in that moment, we should put ourselves aside and accept the forgiveness offered to us graciously. Denying what we did or how we hurt that person only adds to the hurt that person felt. It also keeps us from taking a hard look at ourselves and recognizing that there may be something in us that needs to change. By offering forgiveness, that person is offering us an opportunity to learn and grow. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.
Now I come to the hardest person of all to forgive- ourselves. If you don't think you need to forgive yourself for something, I ask you one simple question- Do you have any regrets? If the answer is "yes" then you need to forgive yourself. If we have regrets, it usually means we took a course of action or didn't do something and the outcome was not to our liking or we hurt someone dear to us. So we have no one to blame but ourselves. And to heal from that mistake, we have to forgive ourselves. We have to face that we're where we are of our own volition and accept it. Then we have to learn from it and recognize it the next time a similar situation arises. Like much in life, this is easier said, or written, than done. I know this part personally too. Up until a year ago I lived a life of no regrets. Today I have much that I regret. And while I am still working on forgiving myself, I can honestly write that I have learned a great deal and I am a more aware and observant person by learning from my regrets. Hard lessons, but good ones to have learned.
So after all this editorializing about forgiveness, where did I end up with the person in question? I've asked for forgiveness and offered my forgiveness directly in correspondence to them and now in this forum as well. I offer both in this forum for two reasons. First, the idea of the Sacrament of Reconciliation is not just about making things right with God or the one we wronged. It's about reconciling ourselves to the entire community because our actions in this world have a ripple effect on the entire community, both large and small. So I ask for forgiveness from all of you for my transgressions. Secondly, I know that if I forgive this person in an open forum like this that I will hold myself accountable and stick to it. It's just how I am. Maybe even how we all are. When we make a public declaration we commit to a course of action more fully and completely.
To close, I encourage each of you to carefully consider someone you may need to ask forgiveness from or offer forgiveness to in your lives. Just think about it. What happens from there is your call. You know your situation and the other person. I'm not telling you to do anything- just to think about it. Again, what happens from there is your call.
So last week I wrote about asking for forgiveness and forgiving others. This week I'm wrapping things up with a few musings on accepting forgiveness and forgiving ourselves.
You might think that accepting forgiveness is easy. I say "I'm sorry" to someone, they say "Apology accepted" or something similar- how hard can that be? But what if we don't ask for forgiveness? What if we don't think we did anything wrong but someone has chosen to forgive us for something we did? Accept it graciously and move on. When someone tells us they've forgiven us for something, what they're also telling us is "You did something that hurt me.". We might not think of the thing as hurtful or wrong, but the person on the receiving end did. So in that moment, we should put ourselves aside and accept the forgiveness offered to us graciously. Denying what we did or how we hurt that person only adds to the hurt that person felt. It also keeps us from taking a hard look at ourselves and recognizing that there may be something in us that needs to change. By offering forgiveness, that person is offering us an opportunity to learn and grow. Don't let the opportunity pass you by.
Now I come to the hardest person of all to forgive- ourselves. If you don't think you need to forgive yourself for something, I ask you one simple question- Do you have any regrets? If the answer is "yes" then you need to forgive yourself. If we have regrets, it usually means we took a course of action or didn't do something and the outcome was not to our liking or we hurt someone dear to us. So we have no one to blame but ourselves. And to heal from that mistake, we have to forgive ourselves. We have to face that we're where we are of our own volition and accept it. Then we have to learn from it and recognize it the next time a similar situation arises. Like much in life, this is easier said, or written, than done. I know this part personally too. Up until a year ago I lived a life of no regrets. Today I have much that I regret. And while I am still working on forgiving myself, I can honestly write that I have learned a great deal and I am a more aware and observant person by learning from my regrets. Hard lessons, but good ones to have learned.
So after all this editorializing about forgiveness, where did I end up with the person in question? I've asked for forgiveness and offered my forgiveness directly in correspondence to them and now in this forum as well. I offer both in this forum for two reasons. First, the idea of the Sacrament of Reconciliation is not just about making things right with God or the one we wronged. It's about reconciling ourselves to the entire community because our actions in this world have a ripple effect on the entire community, both large and small. So I ask for forgiveness from all of you for my transgressions. Secondly, I know that if I forgive this person in an open forum like this that I will hold myself accountable and stick to it. It's just how I am. Maybe even how we all are. When we make a public declaration we commit to a course of action more fully and completely.
To close, I encourage each of you to carefully consider someone you may need to ask forgiveness from or offer forgiveness to in your lives. Just think about it. What happens from there is your call. You know your situation and the other person. I'm not telling you to do anything- just to think about it. Again, what happens from there is your call.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, Part 1
There is someone out there in the world who despises me. I'd even venture so far as to say this person hates me. I had hoped that time and lack of or inability to contact would eventually lessen the anger this person has for me. Unfortunately, it hasn't. Several weeks ago this person began to direct their actions towards my friends and started using them as a way to get at me. That crossed a line. And for the first time I began to seriously consider retaliating against this person. I considered my options and was leaning towards a course of action, but in my heart of hearts, I wasn't completely sold on the idea. I had my doubts. So I turned to Mary, through prayer, and asked her to talk to God for me and help me find the answer.
Twenty minutes afterwards I got my answer, and the answer kept coming through multiple channels for the next three days. Forgive. Forgive this person for the problems and damage they had caused in my life and for using my friends to get to me. And ask for forgiveness in turn for my own transgressions against this person. In both cases, this is easier said than done.
The greatest obstacle to asking for forgiveness is pride. When we ask someone to forgive us we are admitting we were wrong, we're not perfect, we're less than the person we want to be or imagine ourselves to be. To ask for forgiveness we must swallow our pride and instead replace it with humility. The next great obstacle is the vulnerable position we place ourselves in when we ask for forgiveness. We show the other person a glimpse behind the curtain when we admit we were wrong. Our everyday face, image or facade is stripped away and we stand before the other person, faults and all. And what a scary place that is- to let another see our faults and weaknesses up close and personal. Because we're so sure that when they see that vulnerable part of us, they'll take advantage of us or use it against us. If not at that moment, then some time in the future. But the great irony is that when we ask for forgiveness we are at our best and strongest. Because we have the courage to see ourselves honestly, to take responsibility for our lives and actions and to put others ahead of ourselves.
To forgive another is an equally scary prospect. Society today practically demands that we fight back whenever we are wronged. Vengeance, revenge, and retaliation are lauded as the best course of action when someone hurts or wrongs us. We should "teach that person a lesson" so the next time they'll think twice before they act or say something against us. But what does that fighting back get us? More hurt feelings, more wasted energy, more worry, more drama and more anxiety? It doesn't take the hurt away and it rarely makes us truly feel better or make the situation better. The only thing that truly works is to forgive the other person. To release the anger and hurt that poisons our souls and replace them with forgiveness. And when we forgive, we should remember to be patient with ourselves. Most times it takes our hearts or emotions time to catch up with what our head knows to be right. But over time, and with patience, our hearts and minds will be in sync and we can truly forgive.
So what's next for me and this person? Check back with me next week to find out. I'm not telling the answer until I've covered accepting forgiveness and forgiving ourselves too. And those ideas are for part two of this blog.
Twenty minutes afterwards I got my answer, and the answer kept coming through multiple channels for the next three days. Forgive. Forgive this person for the problems and damage they had caused in my life and for using my friends to get to me. And ask for forgiveness in turn for my own transgressions against this person. In both cases, this is easier said than done.
The greatest obstacle to asking for forgiveness is pride. When we ask someone to forgive us we are admitting we were wrong, we're not perfect, we're less than the person we want to be or imagine ourselves to be. To ask for forgiveness we must swallow our pride and instead replace it with humility. The next great obstacle is the vulnerable position we place ourselves in when we ask for forgiveness. We show the other person a glimpse behind the curtain when we admit we were wrong. Our everyday face, image or facade is stripped away and we stand before the other person, faults and all. And what a scary place that is- to let another see our faults and weaknesses up close and personal. Because we're so sure that when they see that vulnerable part of us, they'll take advantage of us or use it against us. If not at that moment, then some time in the future. But the great irony is that when we ask for forgiveness we are at our best and strongest. Because we have the courage to see ourselves honestly, to take responsibility for our lives and actions and to put others ahead of ourselves.
To forgive another is an equally scary prospect. Society today practically demands that we fight back whenever we are wronged. Vengeance, revenge, and retaliation are lauded as the best course of action when someone hurts or wrongs us. We should "teach that person a lesson" so the next time they'll think twice before they act or say something against us. But what does that fighting back get us? More hurt feelings, more wasted energy, more worry, more drama and more anxiety? It doesn't take the hurt away and it rarely makes us truly feel better or make the situation better. The only thing that truly works is to forgive the other person. To release the anger and hurt that poisons our souls and replace them with forgiveness. And when we forgive, we should remember to be patient with ourselves. Most times it takes our hearts or emotions time to catch up with what our head knows to be right. But over time, and with patience, our hearts and minds will be in sync and we can truly forgive.
So what's next for me and this person? Check back with me next week to find out. I'm not telling the answer until I've covered accepting forgiveness and forgiving ourselves too. And those ideas are for part two of this blog.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
In Honor of Karen Ann Kincaid
She was smart, she was successful, she was well-liked, she was a good person. She was everything you would want in a friend, spouse, sister or colleague and then some. Her name was Karen Ann Kincaid and she died on Sept 11, 2001. She was a passenger on AA flight 77, which was crashed into the Pentagon.
Karen grew up in Waverly, IA and came from a close, faithful family. Her brother Kris Kincaid is a Lutheran pastor in Dubuque, IA who looks forward to the day he sees his sister again in heaven. He refuses to lose his life to hate. "The terrorists can't take away that victory. No way.", he says.
Kris describes his sister as hard-working and industrious. Those who remember Karen growing up describe her a a shy girl who blossomed as she grew up. Friends and colleagues remember her as someone who always made time in her busy schedule for neighbors and took the time to talk to the maintenance staff at her K Street law firm in Washington, D.C.
Despite her personal success in D.C., first as an attorney with the FCC and later in private practice, her small-town Iowa roots were ingrained in Karen. This was evidenced in her down-to-earth manner, her regular trips home to visit family and her joy in simple pleasures like looking at cows and eating cotton candy at the Bremer County Fair.
She is remembered with much love by her husband, Peter Batacan, who describes her as the "better part of me" and their marriage as "a partnership in the truest sense". Karen and Peter had been married just five years at the time of 9/11.
Peter offers this most touching tribute to Karen, "Even though her life was cut short at a young age (40), she made the best of it." "She lived every moment to be with loved ones and cultivate friendships."
Karen grew up in Waverly, IA and came from a close, faithful family. Her brother Kris Kincaid is a Lutheran pastor in Dubuque, IA who looks forward to the day he sees his sister again in heaven. He refuses to lose his life to hate. "The terrorists can't take away that victory. No way.", he says.
Kris describes his sister as hard-working and industrious. Those who remember Karen growing up describe her a a shy girl who blossomed as she grew up. Friends and colleagues remember her as someone who always made time in her busy schedule for neighbors and took the time to talk to the maintenance staff at her K Street law firm in Washington, D.C.
Despite her personal success in D.C., first as an attorney with the FCC and later in private practice, her small-town Iowa roots were ingrained in Karen. This was evidenced in her down-to-earth manner, her regular trips home to visit family and her joy in simple pleasures like looking at cows and eating cotton candy at the Bremer County Fair.
She is remembered with much love by her husband, Peter Batacan, who describes her as the "better part of me" and their marriage as "a partnership in the truest sense". Karen and Peter had been married just five years at the time of 9/11.
Peter offers this most touching tribute to Karen, "Even though her life was cut short at a young age (40), she made the best of it." "She lived every moment to be with loved ones and cultivate friendships."
Monday, September 6, 2010
New Beginnings
In most ancient civilizations, spring is the season of new birth. New lambs are born, trees begin to bud and put on leaves and flowers begin to bloom again. Signs of new life are all around. For me though, fall is the season of new birth, and always will be.
I credit it to 3 things- school, the new TV season and a new Cowboys season. Every year of school brought opportunities to make new friends, start over, and put the past of the previous school year behind you. And with the TV season, old "friends" returned in the form of favorite shows while new shows brought new opportunities for new "friends". I know the last part about TV seems a little odd, but as an only child, TV and reading were the main pastimes available to me while growing up.
Every sports fan knows that we live for the next season. Regardless of whether we ended the previous season on top or at the bottom of the league, a new sports season is a new beginning too. The opportunity to rise above our pasts or to push ourselves even further after having achieved greatness.
So now my season of new beginnings has come. It's been a year of much change and I've learned a great deal about myself, life and others in the last year. I've left some things, and some people, behind in the last year. None of these were easy decisions, and while none of us like to cause pain or cut another person out, we have to make these decisions to move ourselves forward.
On my birthday last week, the essay in the Magnificat for that day was titled "A Year of Favor". What a wonderful time of year for that message. I like the idea that fall, as a new beginning, is the perfect time of year to begin "A Year of Favor".
In closing, I wish the same for all of you as well this fall. May the upcoming months bring a rebirth in your lives as well and a time for new opportunities, new friends and new joy.
I credit it to 3 things- school, the new TV season and a new Cowboys season. Every year of school brought opportunities to make new friends, start over, and put the past of the previous school year behind you. And with the TV season, old "friends" returned in the form of favorite shows while new shows brought new opportunities for new "friends". I know the last part about TV seems a little odd, but as an only child, TV and reading were the main pastimes available to me while growing up.
Every sports fan knows that we live for the next season. Regardless of whether we ended the previous season on top or at the bottom of the league, a new sports season is a new beginning too. The opportunity to rise above our pasts or to push ourselves even further after having achieved greatness.
So now my season of new beginnings has come. It's been a year of much change and I've learned a great deal about myself, life and others in the last year. I've left some things, and some people, behind in the last year. None of these were easy decisions, and while none of us like to cause pain or cut another person out, we have to make these decisions to move ourselves forward.
On my birthday last week, the essay in the Magnificat for that day was titled "A Year of Favor". What a wonderful time of year for that message. I like the idea that fall, as a new beginning, is the perfect time of year to begin "A Year of Favor".
In closing, I wish the same for all of you as well this fall. May the upcoming months bring a rebirth in your lives as well and a time for new opportunities, new friends and new joy.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Religious or Spiritual?
Several months ago I read a book that introduced me to the idea of "Am I religious or am I spiritual?". And the idea has stuck with me ever since. The difference between the two, as presented in the book, reminds me of Jesus and Pharisees.
Think of it this way, when Jesus teaches in the New Testament, whether he tells us either directly or through parable "this is what you need to be doing" it is usually posed to us as a choice. At least when I read the Scriptures, that's the sense that I get. But when you read about the Pharisees in the New Testament, and other similar people or groups, it's usually a "my way or the highway" approach. I get the sense that the Pharisees are "all or nothing" and if you don't agree, believe or act as they do, then you're doomed or not a person of Faith. The point I'm trying to make here is that Jesus acts as a spiritual person and the Pharisees act as religious people.
So what does this have to do with us in modern times and in relation to the religious versus spiritual idea? Optimistically, we should consider it a challenge to how we practice our Faith. Are we just going through the motions of what we're supposed to do because we're supposed to do these things? Or do we put our full heart and soul in how we practice our Faith? This question reminds me of something I heard recently in a Homily. It's not enough just to be present in the Church at Mass. We should be PRESENT in the Mass. Fully participating and engaged in what's going on and the connection it has to our personal Faith or spirituality.
Also, how do we share or express our Faith to others? Do we tell them, "Well, if you really want to be faithful, you should do this, say this, join this group and only watch these programs or read these books."; presenting a set of rules or ideals as the absolute way that a person of Faith should conduct their lives. Or do we share different examples or ideas of Faith with others; respecting their free will and letting them make up their own minds. Do we let our actions speak for us more than our words? Personally, I think many times the difference between religious and spiritual people is that the spiritual show you their nature by steadfast example and with an open dialogue while the religous tell you what they do and how you should be doing it too.
While this may be a little late in the game to bring up, please don't think that I consider myself a fully spritual person. I'm not, believe me, I'm NOT. The more I think about this idea of religious versus spiritual, the more overwhelmed I am at what a slippery slope it can be from one to the other and how hard it is to be completely spiritual in our lives. Optimistically, I hope that I recognize the religious areas in me and that I'm open to how I can change those to a more spiritual nature. And that in turn, I must be willing to see and embrace both in others, knowing that what I see is simply to be observed and not judged.
It's an intriguing question, am I religious or am I spiritual, and one that forces us to take a long, hard look at ourselves and our Faith journey. We just have to be willing to do so and face the answer head-on, no matter what it may be.
Think of it this way, when Jesus teaches in the New Testament, whether he tells us either directly or through parable "this is what you need to be doing" it is usually posed to us as a choice. At least when I read the Scriptures, that's the sense that I get. But when you read about the Pharisees in the New Testament, and other similar people or groups, it's usually a "my way or the highway" approach. I get the sense that the Pharisees are "all or nothing" and if you don't agree, believe or act as they do, then you're doomed or not a person of Faith. The point I'm trying to make here is that Jesus acts as a spiritual person and the Pharisees act as religious people.
So what does this have to do with us in modern times and in relation to the religious versus spiritual idea? Optimistically, we should consider it a challenge to how we practice our Faith. Are we just going through the motions of what we're supposed to do because we're supposed to do these things? Or do we put our full heart and soul in how we practice our Faith? This question reminds me of something I heard recently in a Homily. It's not enough just to be present in the Church at Mass. We should be PRESENT in the Mass. Fully participating and engaged in what's going on and the connection it has to our personal Faith or spirituality.
Also, how do we share or express our Faith to others? Do we tell them, "Well, if you really want to be faithful, you should do this, say this, join this group and only watch these programs or read these books."; presenting a set of rules or ideals as the absolute way that a person of Faith should conduct their lives. Or do we share different examples or ideas of Faith with others; respecting their free will and letting them make up their own minds. Do we let our actions speak for us more than our words? Personally, I think many times the difference between religious and spiritual people is that the spiritual show you their nature by steadfast example and with an open dialogue while the religous tell you what they do and how you should be doing it too.
While this may be a little late in the game to bring up, please don't think that I consider myself a fully spritual person. I'm not, believe me, I'm NOT. The more I think about this idea of religious versus spiritual, the more overwhelmed I am at what a slippery slope it can be from one to the other and how hard it is to be completely spiritual in our lives. Optimistically, I hope that I recognize the religious areas in me and that I'm open to how I can change those to a more spiritual nature. And that in turn, I must be willing to see and embrace both in others, knowing that what I see is simply to be observed and not judged.
It's an intriguing question, am I religious or am I spiritual, and one that forces us to take a long, hard look at ourselves and our Faith journey. We just have to be willing to do so and face the answer head-on, no matter what it may be.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
So Here We Go...
So here we go, after several months of writing FB notes off and on I've decided to take the plunge and write a real blog.
As for what the blog will be about, it's a wildcard. One day it could be Faith, another day it could be about "Mad Men"; it really depends on what I'm moved to write about. Just consider me another girl standing on her digital soapbox tossing ideas out into the world and seeing what the rest of the world has to say.
Which sort of brings us to the title. Learning to Listen. It describes where I am right now in life. Learning to listen to God, learning to listen to what people say (both verbally and non-verbally) and paying attention to what I hear. We all talk a good game about communication and how important it is in life. But what we seem to forget is that LISTENING is an important part of communication too. I'm trying to remember that more and more each day. To really pay attention to what someone is telling me and then how I respond to that.
So there you have it. The goal is to write a post at least once a week. Thanks for reading, now and in the future.
As for what the blog will be about, it's a wildcard. One day it could be Faith, another day it could be about "Mad Men"; it really depends on what I'm moved to write about. Just consider me another girl standing on her digital soapbox tossing ideas out into the world and seeing what the rest of the world has to say.
Which sort of brings us to the title. Learning to Listen. It describes where I am right now in life. Learning to listen to God, learning to listen to what people say (both verbally and non-verbally) and paying attention to what I hear. We all talk a good game about communication and how important it is in life. But what we seem to forget is that LISTENING is an important part of communication too. I'm trying to remember that more and more each day. To really pay attention to what someone is telling me and then how I respond to that.
So there you have it. The goal is to write a post at least once a week. Thanks for reading, now and in the future.
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