There are certain things in this life that you just have to do or experience. No one can tell you what it truly feels like. You just have to go through it. Like getting married, having your heart broken, or giving birth. You can never truly know what these experiences are like until you go through them yourself. And as I've learned recently, watching or having a parent die is one of them.
No one could have ever told me or prepared me for the flood of emotions that come with watching or having a parent die. I've been dealing with these emotions as my mother has progressed to the final stages of Alzheimer's since the beginning of this year. Every crack and fault line in your family dynamic comes to light or is magnified and you'll deal with things long forgotten about or that you thought you were past. I know for me, sometimes my mind literally feels physically exhausted from trying to reason or work through everything I'm thinking or feeling. Little things can irritate or upset you on occasion for no logical reason and personally, I'm constantly on-guard to make sure I don't say or do anything impulsive. And yes, I've slipped up and said or done something impulsive that I've regretted.. You'll also find that you may be too needy or clingy with certain people. Heaven knows a person or two has experienced that with me. And you'll question everything about who you are and rethink the person you want to be.
There is also a good and hopeful side to all of this too and I think that if you can focus on that part, you'll make it through the experience of watching and having a parent die. Dealing with family issues and the inner demons that come with them can help you to resolve past hurts and grow in maturity and strength. You'll definitely learn a great deal about yourself along the way. Maybe more than you wanted to know, but as always, knowledge is power. And only good things can come from knowing yourself better. You'll learn what really matters in life and where you want your priorities in life to be. And one of the most wonderful things you'll learn is who your friends and family really are. They're the ones who listen and sympathize and support you when you need it. The ones who let you vent and cry and be irrational on occasion. The ones who understand when you're not yourself and have the patience to wait until you are again. The ones who don't hold your mistakes or outbursts against you. Quite simply, the ones who know what you need when you need it and who always remind you they're only a phone call away. In short, they are the friends who become your family.
Having a parent die is something we'll all go through and no one can prepare you for it or tell you what it's like. It will be bad, and it will hurt, and for a time you'll long for the day your life was once normal and staid. And if you look carefully and hopefully, some good can come out of it too. You just have to do it.
