It's not Love, It's not Friendship- It's Abuse

Last Sunday I attended a Cowboys game and saw a guy get punched in the eye by his date.  I’m still shocked by what I saw, mainly because it happened in public.  And since then, abusive relationships have been on my mind quite a bit.  I wish I could write that I have no experience or exposure to such relationships, but between my friends and my own limited experience, I do.

First off, I want to address a fact that frequently gets ignored when the subject of abuse comes up.  It IS possible for a woman to be an abuser. I saw it firsthand on Sunday and I personally know of two couples in which the girl was the abuser.  In both cases the girl inflicted physical abuse on the guy, but what’s more damaging and prevalent is the emotional and mental abuse that women can inflict on their boyfriends or husbands.  Just like the mean girls in junior high and high school, female abusers are extremely adept at tearing down their male victims.  Many times it’s their “weapon of choice”.  And they use the same tactics as male abusers, with more skill and cunning:  isolating him from family/friends, keeping tabs on the guy by constantly calling/texting or other means, nagging him to give up activities or groups that he likes or to no longer speak to certain people (usually other girls),  convincing him he’s not smart/attractive/good enough to get another girl to go out with him, fighting/arguing in public where she’s sure to get the sympathy and support of others, and the list goes on.

Domestic violence stats consistently show that 40% of victims are men.  And those are just the ones that we know about.  Men very rarely, if ever, get help in an abusive relationship because they feel it calls into question their very manhood.  And when they do report or talk about it, most people assume that the guy did something to cause the woman to treat them like that.  So men keep quiet and suffer in silence.  What you hear more about, and what I have more experience with, is abuse against women.

At last count I’ve known seven women in my life who were abused.  All seven of them were married to or are still married to their abuser.  Five were physically abused and for two of them, it took the birth of their first child to convince them to get out.  One took 10 years and three attempts before she left her husband for good.  I’ve lost touch with the other two abuse victims and don’t know if they’re still married to their abusers.

Three who were physically abused missed the subtle abuse signs while dating.  It wasn’t until they were married that the physical abuse started.  Abusers are subtle and calculating in how they get control of their victims.  Two of the seven were not physically abused when I knew them, but the mental and emotional abuse was definitely there.  Their boyfriends convinced them they were fat (both girls were a size 2), unattractive and manipulated them to the point that the girls were dependent on their boyfriends for their self-worth.  We all saw what was happening, but being young and inexperienced in dealing with such issues, we did nothing.  I like to think that things would be different if I saw the same signs now.  And I have some familiarity with the signs because I’ve known an abuser in my own life.

Like the girls I’ve know, the abuse was subtle and barely noticeable in the beginning.  I didn’t think anything of it when my friend texted or called me every time  I went out with other friends.  And while it seemed odd, I blew it off when he asked me every other week or so if I’d spoken to my last boyfriend, who was a mutual friend of ours.  When he started trying to tell me what to say in certain situations and who to be friends with, I bristled and started to get annoyed with him.  And the annoyance increased when I got daily calls and texts at work until I picked up or responded back.  The final straw came when he called a friend one night looking for me because I hadn’t responded to the 2 texts and 2 phone calls he sent me in a 90 minute time period that night.  At that moment my immediate thought was “this is one of the red flags they tell you to look for in an abuser”.  And as I took a step back and looked closely, I saw the pattern and the other behavior that bordered on abusive.  So I distanced myself from him immediately and eventually cut off all communication with him.  I wish it had ended there, but it didn't.  When he was unable to communicate with me, he took his hostility out on two of my friends.  I held my ground and refused to respond.  Only when he finally realized that he could no longer get to me did he finally leave me and my friends alone.

It wasn’t easy the first couple of weeks after I removed that person from my life.  I missed the attention in an unhealthy way.  But noticed that I missed the attention, and not the person.  Because whether we like to admit it or not, in an abusive or unhealthy relationship we’re willing to take any attention we get from the other person, whether it’s good or bad.  And this is something that’s basic to all humans.  We need a connection with others and will tolerate abuse or negative attention because we’d rather have that than nothing at all.   And that’s what makes it so hard for a victim to leave.  Because to leave is to give up that attention and attachment that we crave in the very core of our beings.

But you can leave, and you WILL be better for it.  So if you’re in an abusive relationship, please, please, please reach out and let someone help you to leave.  I promise you that someone around you has noticed what’s going on and is concerned for you.  Just hold out your hand and take the one offered to you as the way out.