In God I Don't Trust

It's no secret that I have a hard time trusting people.  And that I tend to be reticent in asking others for help due to that lack of trust.  It just never occurred to me until recently that my lack of trust with others could manifest itself in my relationship with God too.

Regardless of your spiritual leanings, beliefs or inclinations, we are all encouraged to believe that we should trust in a higher power to help guide us in our lives.  In my own faith, there's a great deal of discussion about "following the path" that we're called to in our lives and trusting in God to take care of us on that path.  I KNOW that I should do this.  Logically, realistically, and faithfully.  But at times I find it incredibly hard to do so as the traits and coping mechanisms that I have in my human relationships come into play in my relationship with God.

My natural inclination when I want something in life is to take care of myself and not rely on anyone to help me.  In my mind, it's always up to me to take care of things. The thought of asking for or accepting help or following someone else's lead doesn't even occur to me 90% of the time when I'm faced with something in life.  Because somewhere along the way I bought into the lesson that I couldn't count on others and had to do everything myself.   So to hear or think that I should "let go and let God" for the major things in my life is a struggle for me.

I'm so sure that in some from or fashion God's going to let me down and in the end I won't be happy with the outcome.  Because, as I mentioned earlier, I'm so sure that the people in my life will let me down and prove that I can't count on them and I treat God in this way too.  Inevitably, I wait in anticipation for others to disappoint me in my human relationships and struggle with the impulse to lash out or cut them off when they do.  And at times I lose that struggle and walk away from things and people too soon.  And I can't bring myself to risk that in my relationship with God.

Ironically, I have had times when I knew I was on the right path and trusted God.  But these times seemed to come to me without me looking.  In those moments, I just knew.  When I look for the path is when I struggle with finding or trusting what that path is for me.  And the harder I look for it, the more elusive it becomes.  I want to trust and I try to trust.  Because in my confusion and longing, I need to trust another (i.e. God)  and the internal struggle to do that is great.

In conclusion, I don't have a neat, tidy answer or happy ending to this post.  When faced with important things and decisions in my life right now I struggle to find my path and listen to what God calls me too.  My doubt and lack of trust makes it hard for me to hear and discern.  But maybe there is hope, because if I want to trust so badly, there must be some part of me that believes it's possible to do so.