Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, Part 2

"I've been tryin' to get down/To the heart of the matter/But my will gets weak/And my thoughts seem to scatter/But I think it's about...forgiveness"  lyrics from The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

So last week I wrote about asking for forgiveness and forgiving others.   This week I'm wrapping things up  with a few musings on accepting forgiveness and forgiving ourselves.

You might think that accepting forgiveness is easy.  I say "I'm sorry" to someone, they say "Apology accepted" or something similar- how hard can that be?  But what if we don't ask for forgiveness?  What if we don't think we did anything wrong but someone has chosen to forgive us for something we did?  Accept it graciously and move on.  When someone tells us they've forgiven us for something, what they're also telling us is "You did something that hurt me.".  We might not think of the thing as hurtful or wrong, but the person on the receiving end did.  So in that moment, we should put ourselves aside and accept the forgiveness offered to us graciously.  Denying what we did or how we hurt that person only adds to the hurt that person felt.  It also keeps us from taking a hard look at ourselves and recognizing that there may be something in us that needs to change.  By offering forgiveness, that person is offering us an opportunity to learn and grow.  Don't let the opportunity pass you by.

Now I come to the hardest person of all to forgive- ourselves.  If you don't think you need to forgive yourself for something, I ask you one simple question- Do you have any regrets?  If the answer is "yes" then you need to forgive yourself.  If we have regrets, it usually means we took a course of action or didn't do something and the outcome was not to our liking or we hurt someone dear to us.  So we have no one to blame but ourselves.  And to heal from that mistake, we have to forgive ourselves.  We have to face that we're where we are of our own volition and accept it.  Then we have to learn from it  and recognize it the next time a similar situation arises.  Like much in life, this is easier said, or written, than done.  I know this part personally too.  Up until a year ago I lived a life of no regrets.  Today I have much that I regret.  And while I am still working on forgiving myself, I can honestly write that I have learned a great deal and I am a more aware and observant person by learning from my regrets.  Hard lessons, but good ones to have learned.

So after all this editorializing about forgiveness, where did I end up with the person in question?  I've asked for forgiveness and offered my forgiveness directly in correspondence to them and now  in this forum as well. I offer both in this forum for two reasons.  First, the idea of the Sacrament of Reconciliation is not just about making things right with God or the one we wronged.  It's about reconciling ourselves to the entire community because our actions in this world have a ripple effect on the entire community, both large and small.  So I ask for forgiveness from all of you for my transgressions.  Secondly, I know that if I forgive this person in an open forum like this that I will hold myself accountable and stick to it.  It's just how I am.  Maybe even how we all are.  When we make a public declaration we commit to a course of action more fully and completely.

To close, I encourage each of you to carefully consider someone you may need to ask forgiveness from or offer forgiveness to in your lives.  Just think about it.  What happens from there is your call.  You know your situation and the other person.  I'm not telling you to do anything- just to think about it.  Again, what happens from there is your call.

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, Part 1

There is someone out there in the world who despises me.  I'd even venture so far as to say this person hates me.   I had hoped that time and lack of or inability to contact would eventually lessen the anger this person has for me.  Unfortunately, it hasn't.  Several weeks ago this person began to direct their actions towards my friends and started using them as a way to get at me.  That crossed a line.  And for the first time I began to seriously consider retaliating against this person.  I considered my options and was leaning towards a course of action, but in my heart of hearts, I wasn't completely sold on the idea.  I had my doubts.  So I turned to Mary, through prayer, and asked her to talk to God for me and help me find the answer.

Twenty minutes afterwards I got my answer, and the answer kept coming through multiple channels for the next three days.  Forgive.  Forgive this person for the problems and damage they had caused in my life and for using my friends to get to me.  And ask for forgiveness in turn for my own transgressions against this person.  In both cases, this is easier said than done.

The greatest obstacle to asking for forgiveness is pride.  When we ask someone to forgive us we are admitting we were wrong, we're not perfect, we're less than the person we want to be or imagine ourselves to be.  To ask for forgiveness we must swallow our pride and instead replace it with humility.  The next great obstacle is the vulnerable position we place ourselves in when we ask for forgiveness.  We show the other person a glimpse behind the curtain when we admit we were wrong.  Our everyday face, image or facade is stripped away and we stand before the other person, faults and all.  And what a scary place that is- to let another see our faults and weaknesses up close and personal.  Because we're so sure that when they see that vulnerable part of us, they'll take advantage of us or use it against us.  If not at that moment, then some time in the future.  But the great irony is that when we ask for forgiveness we are at our best and strongest.  Because we have the courage to see ourselves honestly, to take responsibility for our lives and actions and to put others ahead of ourselves.

To forgive another is an equally scary prospect.  Society today practically demands that we fight back whenever we are wronged.  Vengeance, revenge, and retaliation are lauded as the best course of action when someone hurts or wrongs us.  We should "teach that person a lesson" so the next time they'll think twice before they act or say something against us.  But what does that fighting back get us?  More hurt feelings, more wasted energy, more worry, more drama and more anxiety?  It doesn't take the hurt away and it rarely makes us truly feel better or make the situation better.  The only thing that truly works is to forgive the other person.  To release the anger and hurt that poisons our souls and replace them with forgiveness.  And when we forgive, we should remember to be patient with ourselves.  Most times it takes our hearts or emotions time to catch up with what our head knows to be right.  But over time, and with patience, our hearts and minds will be in sync and we can truly forgive.

So what's next for me and this person?  Check back with me next week to find out.  I'm not telling the answer until I've covered accepting forgiveness and forgiving ourselves too.  And those ideas are for part two of this blog.

In Honor of Karen Ann Kincaid

She was smart, she was successful, she was well-liked, she was a good person.  She was everything you would want in a friend, spouse, sister  or colleague and then some.   Her name was Karen Ann Kincaid and she died on Sept 11, 2001.  She was a passenger on AA flight 77, which was  crashed into the Pentagon.

Karen grew up in Waverly, IA and came from a close, faithful family.  Her brother Kris Kincaid is  a Lutheran pastor in Dubuque, IA who looks forward to the day he sees his sister again in heaven.  He refuses to lose his life to hate.  "The terrorists can't take away that victory.  No way.", he says.

Kris describes his sister as hard-working and industrious.  Those who remember Karen growing up describe her a a shy girl who blossomed as she grew up.  Friends and colleagues remember her as someone who always made time in her busy schedule for neighbors and took the time to talk to the maintenance staff at her K Street law firm in Washington, D.C.

Despite her personal success in D.C., first as an attorney with the FCC and later in private practice, her small-town Iowa roots were ingrained in Karen.  This was evidenced in her down-to-earth manner, her regular trips home to visit family and her joy in simple pleasures like looking at cows and eating cotton candy at the Bremer County Fair.

She is remembered with much love by her husband, Peter Batacan, who describes her as the "better part of me" and their marriage as "a partnership in the truest sense".  Karen and Peter had been married just five years at the time of 9/11.

Peter offers this most touching tribute to Karen, "Even though her life was cut short at a young age (40), she made the best of it." "She lived every moment to be with loved ones and cultivate friendships."

New Beginnings

In most ancient civilizations, spring is the season of new birth.  New lambs are born, trees begin to bud and put on leaves and flowers begin to bloom again.  Signs of new life are all around.  For me though, fall is the season of new birth, and always will be.

I credit it to 3 things- school, the new TV season and a new Cowboys season.  Every year of school brought opportunities to make new friends, start over, and put the past of the previous school year behind you.  And with the TV season, old "friends" returned in the form of favorite shows while new shows brought new opportunities for new "friends".  I know the last part about TV seems a little odd, but as an only child, TV and reading were the main pastimes available to me while growing up.

Every sports fan knows that we live for the next season.  Regardless of whether we ended the previous season on top or at the bottom of the league, a new sports season is a new beginning too.  The opportunity to rise above our pasts or to push ourselves even further after having achieved greatness.

So now my season of new beginnings has come.  It's been a year of much change and I've learned a great deal about myself, life and others in the last year.  I've left some things, and some people, behind in the last year.  None of these were easy decisions, and while none of us like to cause pain or cut another person out,  we have to make these decisions to move ourselves forward.

On my birthday last week, the essay in the Magnificat for that day was titled "A Year of Favor".  What a wonderful time of year for that message.  I like the idea that fall, as a new beginning, is the perfect time of year to begin "A Year of Favor".

In closing, I wish the same for all of you as well this fall.  May the upcoming months bring a rebirth in your lives as well and a time for new opportunities, new friends and new joy.